“Pearl of Great Price” not worth that much after all
TEMPLE SQUARE – In a move that shows nobody is safe from the flailing economy, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has sold off one of its most sacred texts for much less than some say it is worth.
After reading an article in The Deseret News this week about how the stock market took its largest fall in history, president and prophet of the Mormon Church, Thomas “Nerves” Monson, decided to put the original copy of The Pearl of Great Price up for auction on the popular PBS television program Antique Road Show.
After examining the aged manuscript, the host of Antique Road Show, Jean Backwood, told the prophet that the book wasn’t quite “a ding dang doo” and would probably only fetch $18 on the free market.
Prophet Monson, clearly disheartened by this news, reminded the PBS host that not only did he earn a Degree in Business Management from The University of Utah in 1948 but he could “speak directly to God” and knew there must be some sort of mistake. Mr. Backwood replied that he was sorry for the disappointment, and in his personal experience as an auctioneer, false doctrine usually goes for a much higher price. “I sold the one about the aliens to the boy Tom Cruise married for hundreds,” said the auctioneer, probably referring to Katie Holmes and her gentlemanly haircut.
Being educated and rational minded, Prophet Monson sent an express prayer to Elohim and was answered that, “Eighteen is way more than ten.” Relieved, the prophet auctioned off the book for just shy of twenty bucks.
The purchaser of the sacred manuscript, Kitty Shwartz, a lonely PR executive from Logan, was reportedly disappointed and said that she thought, “The Pearl of Great Price was a necklace made of male discharge.” She is not sure what she will do with the holy book but hinted towards propping up a table leg or possibly starting a garbage fire in her office.
A spokesperson for the LDS church refuted the idea that the religion was sliding towards bankruptcy, but said if they had to, they might also exchange the golden plates for a hot meal down at the soup kitchen. “I took it in the mouth once for half a sandwich,” said President Monson, a spokesperson of God, “but probably never again. Although,” Monson added, “Hinkley did make a pretty dang good BLT.”
Oct 12th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I think that episode was on the other day. at the end of the episode I saw him with a sign trying to sell god spit. whenever someone donated he just spit on them. That Monson, what a character.