“Oh this sweater? I found this ish(sic’d) at the D.I. Pretty cool huh?” Kanderton, appearing as if Urban Outfitters threw up all over him, remarked. “Yeah man, I find cool shit there all the time. but you really have to have an eye for the good stuff.

“I really want to find a pair of wing tips that I can wear to church, nothing overstated. I don’t want to seem like a dick, Jesus hates fashion statements,” said Kanderton, ascribing even more man-like qualities to a God who probably doesn’t exist, but if he did, probably wouldn’t give a shit what you wore to worship him.

Kanderton is balding from all his Christian guilt and nearly catatonic from his soul-crushing existence as pencil pusher at the local Wells Fargo bank. It’s a job he went 20k into debt and spent four years getting a degree for, so he could get a mediocre home on a small lot here in Cache Valley, keep up with the mortgage and try really hard to get one of those callings in the Mormon Church where he gets to sit on the dais and judge everyone who comes to sacrament meeting late. You know, all powerful and shit.

“If we were in Austin, or Los Angeles, this vintage 1998 Old Navy half-zip sweater would be 40 bucks in any authentic vintage clothing boutique you’d be lucky enough to find it in,” said Kanderton, who always matches his belt with his shoes. The irony being that the late-model sweater is only $14 a mile-and-a-half away at the actual Old Navy.

Kanderton showed off his Ralph Lauren windbreaker, which to the layperson looks just like a regular ass zip-up, and explained how it is actually a treasure that would fetch over $400 at a vintage clothing shop. Friends say Kanderton is no stranger to sartorial elegance and has been pointing out their faults for years. Kanderton reminded us how it doesn’t cost a lot to look nice, and that people should express themselves more through their clothes.  Kanderton  explained, “I’ve have always fancied myself a bit stylish, I grow a lazy beard a few times a year and wear black rimmed glasses occasionally, but not enough to wear that look out. And I never roll up my pleated khakis, especially ones with triple pleats. How boorish!”

“I could really use some nice mother-of-pearl cufflinks, but you know, I’d have nowhere to wear them,” Kanderton said while experimenting with different tie knots on this his new-to-him end on end, spread-collared shirt with french cuffs. “I’ll just take these shirts down to the local haberdasher and have then taken in a bit, so they fit me perfectly,” Kanderton said, admiring his Oscar De La Renta blazer. “I wish this thing had a sash lapel, rather than a peaked one…oh well.”

“You take a nice pair of madras shorts and match it with a nice American apparel deep-V shirt, you’ll look all dope,” Kanderton noted. He wistfully hopes that LDS will change its stance on alcohol, as it has with plural marriage, black people holding the priesthood, and soon to be ‘the gays’. “I think a  Pabst Blue Ribbon might be the only thing missing from my carefully crafted look and/or personality.”

Ramackin, who met Kristie Yeates through an acquaintance, knew he was in too deep when it was clear she wanted hang out nearly every day of the fucking week, something that Ramackin took issue with.  “I mean at first it was cool, but eventually shit is expected of you, I felt squirrelly, and I had to do something.” That something was becoming interested in NASCAR.

“Oh my god it was bad, but I persevered,” Ramackin admitted, “and it was worth it.” When NASCAR racing didn’t do the trick, Ramackin said he took up chewing Tobacco. “Copenhagen is awful, I didn’t even know you could get Cope-Dick.”

Ramackin amazed his friends with his yielding attitude towards the situation they described as a ‘cockstomp.’ In any other situation, he probably would have just completely stopped returning text messages, or feigned offense to a completely innocuous comment about him liking Alan Jackson.’

Yeates was hard to shake because she has some ‘real bad shit’ [on him]. said Ramackin. After the tragic (read: Hilarious) murder-suicide of Steve McNair, Cheaters everywhere learned to “never string-along a girl who has nothing to lose,” said Ramackin, ” Plus, she didn’t know who Joan Didion is. How in thee fuck am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone like that?”

The move, labeled by some as just a cheap ploy so that Ramackin can spend more time eating corn dogs in the dark silence of his shitty apartment and masturbating before bed, was hailed in some circles as a brilliant move for guys everywhere who really want to hook up with someone from work and get away with it. Ramackin said that boning people from work has its downside, “I usually try not to shit where I eat.”

“In any relationship, and especially with girls who can seriously fuck your shit up, you want to fade away and sometimes that means months of lunch dates and vague plans of what your weekend has in store,” said the 24 year-old accountant, “It takes a lot of patience to do correctly.”

“There’s the whole, ‘Oh, I’ll be out of town,’ or ‘I’ve got some family stuff to take care of tonight,’” said Ramackin whose excuses became more outlandish by the week. “I think I told her I had a writer’s meeting a few times.”

Those close to the situation chuckled when they were told the news. “Yup, that’s Matt,” said Lance Thomas when he was apprised of the situation. Although Ramackin will have to deal with her passive-aggressive bullshit on a semi-regular basis, he is pleased with the result. “I’m actually slightly embarrassed I continued with the charade as long as I did,” Ramackin concluded.

A relieved Daniels is ready to make a clean start, fully equipped with his bachelor’s degree in Economics nailed to the office wall.  “Now, I can do whatever I want,” said Daniels ,who at this point is still oblivious to the fact that he is $20,000 in debt and graduated into the worst economy since Roosevelt was in office. Daniels, like most recent college graduates, will probably get a job photocopying Loan documents for 13 bucks and settling for a handski whenever he can get it.

Daniels had dated Masterson off and on or about four years, which he described as, “Four years of trying to hide infidelities from each other.”  It all came to an end when Daniels graduated last month and packed his shit into a Hatchback and moved his grown ass to San Deigo to find a ‘real job.’

When asked what changed his mind on Masterson, Daniels explained, “Shit man, I found my old buddy who married the Logan High ‘high school slut’ on facebook, and he’s since been divorced and has two ugly sex trophies[kids] to prove it. I just thought to myself, ’holy fuck.’ History nearly repeated itself.”

While Masterson banged pretty much anyone who would pay her the attention, she always reserved her loving affection for repeat offenders and people who slept with her friends behind her back or right in front of her. Those close to Masterson said she was just holding out so she could date ‘just some real, awful, garbage of a dude.’

“Yea, Adam was nice and I really enjoyed drinking his booze,” said Masterson, “but I don’t wan’t some boring guy who hates fun, plus I really don’t see any recidivism in him. I need a man who doesn’t learn from mistakes or at least beats me.”  According to her female friends, Masterson was always excited about the prospects of “defending her future husband’s pill addiction, while telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass without taking the cigarette from her mouth.’”

Masterson, who posits that finding a guy who treats you right, and him not being a complete fuck-up are mutually exclusive, said that she’s ready for the next semester and hopes to meet someone who does not own a razor, or will at least document the date-rape of her with cell phone pictures. “It’s not a lot to ask,” said Masterson.  “I just want to know exactly why I hurt the way I do the next morning.”

“I’m just really, really relieved,”  said Daniels who admitted that while he cared about this particularly loose peice of trim deeply, he was glad that he had ‘dodged that bullet sans STD,’ and will finally rid himself of the awful label of a ‘Captain Save-a-Ho’.  He wishes that slut nothing but the best in all her future endeavors.