I find myself vexed that I am not giving enough of what others should be receiving. I find myself making my twelve roses a baker’s dozen. I find myself toiling over the color of my scarf as to match the menu of this evening’s eatery.  I find myself over-tipping to compensate for me not quite being ready to order when the waiter asked me what I would like to eat.  I find myself masturbating because I am a gentleman.

I find myself lost in long lines of poetry, hoping to be found.  I find myself crawling through the peakless valleys of polite prescribed love. I find myself caring about others and donating to good causes. I find myself dreaming the impossible dream.  I find myself righting the impossible wrong.  I find myself masturbating because I am a gentleman.

I find myself minding the mending of old-hat kindred.  I find myself buying gifts for girlfriends long-gone and no longer giving.  I find myself waving the American flag in the name of what I believe.  I find myself politely changing what I believe to more wholly and holistically represent what others believe.  I find myself masturbating because I am a gentleman.

I find myself learning to cook.  I find myself embracing the sauces, thick and thin, that make meals more memorable.  I find myself inviting people over to join me for dinner that I would never really talk with, but I find it the couth thing to do.  I find myself waking up from sauce-filled slumbers, dreaming of gravies, grand and streaming. I find myself masturbating because I’m a gentleman.

I find myself going to State Street in Salt Lake City.  I find myself going to the Tenderloin in San Francisco. I find myself going under the bridge in Portland. I find myself awarding women to have me all over the world.  But I also find myself masturbating because I am a gentleman, and there is no way I am going to pay for sex and let that woman/person get my earliest nut,  fast and first.  Because deep down, I want my sex-worker to get her nut too.  Because deep down I think she deserves it.  Because deep down I can’t afford to pay her for two. Because deep down, I find myself masturbating because I am a gentleman.

…………………………….

I say to you today, my friends, even though we face the difficulties of this day and tomorrow, I am still a gentleman.  I am still a gentleman and that part of me is deeply rooted in jerking off and the American Dream.

I am, and will remain, Nixion Dickhouse, Benevolent Dictator for Life, a gentleman.