SALT LAKE – Mormon football fans around the country are excited to have Tim Tebow die soon, so that they can baptize him as a member of the LDS church.

“He’s so spiritual,” said Kelly Christiansen, mormon. “You can see how he has a close personal relationship with our Savior, I’m just so conflicted because he’s Baptist. He needs to die already.”

LDS Prophet Thomas Monson, who talks to god, said performing a “baptism for the dead” on Tebow will be the highest priority for the Church’s soul-processing operations, as soon as Tebow – who is in the absolute peak of physical condition – dies.

“Retroactively turning Tebow Mormon is our most important task,” Monson said. “Even more important than changing Holocaust victims from Jew to Mormon.”

“Being baptized for him would be much more uplifting than being baptized for these dumb concentration camp victims,” said Tate Ammon, who was arriving at the West Jordan Temple with his priesthood group to be baptized for the dead, a ritual done for people who didn’t receive the gospel in their natural lives. “Did you see him do the gator chomp to Nic Harris? Man, he’s just such a stud.”

Tebow is devoutly religious, and even travelled to the most destitute part of the Phillipines this summer to make the water there clean for little kids to drink, and tell them about a man named Jesus and his father, god. However, to the consternation of mormons, he has not accepted the second testament of Jesus Christ, the one that explains how South Americans are Israeli, as his personal truth – yet. For that, devout mormons are prepared to wait until his death.

Abel Goldstein, who we believe we can all agree has a sufficiently Jewish-sounding name to be President of the American Jewish Society, said his people are glad that Tebow has replaced them as the most-desired target of posthumous induction into the mormon church.

“Oy, 10,000 years of suffering was no preparation for this,” Goldstein said. “Here we have a legitimate, real religion, with really great ceremonial garb and some strong traditions, and along come these corny whitebread chumps, late to the party, touting the inventions of a multiple fraud convict. And they’re converting our many dead worshippers at an alarming rate! It’s a schande.”

*additional reporting by Claire Chennault, Head Editor in Charge

After reading an article in The Deseret News this week about how the stock market took its largest fall in history, president and prophet of the Mormon Church, Thomas “Nerves” Monson, decided to put the original copy of The Pearl of Great Price up for auction on the popular PBS television program Antique Road Show.

After examining the aged manuscript, the host of Antique Road Show, Jean Backwood, told the prophet that the book wasn’t quite “a ding dang doo” and would probably only fetch $18 on the free market.

Prophet Monson, clearly disheartened by this news, reminded the PBS host that not only did he earn a Degree in Business Management from The University of Utah in 1948 but he could “speak directly to God” and knew there must be some sort of mistake. Mr. Backwood replied that he was sorry for the disappointment, and in his personal experience as an auctioneer, false doctrine usually goes for a much higher price. “I sold the one about the aliens to the boy Tom Cruise married for hundreds,” said the auctioneer, probably referring to Katie Holmes and her gentlemanly haircut.

Being educated and rational minded, Prophet Monson sent an express prayer to Elohim and was answered that, “Eighteen is way more than ten.” Relieved, the prophet auctioned off the book for just shy of twenty bucks.

The purchaser of the sacred manuscript, Kitty Shwartz, a lonely PR executive from Logan, was reportedly disappointed and said that she thought, “The Pearl of Great Price was a necklace made of male discharge.” She is not sure what she will do with the holy book but hinted towards propping up a table leg or possibly starting a garbage fire in her office.

A spokesperson for the LDS church refuted the idea that the religion was sliding towards bankruptcy, but said if they had to, they might also exchange the golden plates for a hot meal down at the soup kitchen. “I took it in the mouth once for half a sandwich,” said President Monson, a spokesperson of God, “but probably never again. Although,” Monson added, “Hinkley did make a pretty dang good BLT.”

Thomas S. Monson, president of the church, presided over the ceremony which was held in fireside format in the Dee Glen Smith Spectrum. Also on hand were Elder Cecil O. Samuelson, president of the main BYU campus in Provo, and Jaycee Carroll, Utah State’s all-time leading basketball point scorer and presumably Utah State’s last famous alumnus before the transition.

The change comes as little surprise to USU administative watchdog group Diverted Justice, which has predicted Utah State’s change from secular to faith-based since its founding in 2004.

“The handwriting has been on the wall for some time now,” said Dirk Morrison, founder of Diverted Justice, “but it was just recently that we could tell the change was imminent when the administration began ceasing all activities contrary to church standards.”

Most notably among the changes Diverted Justice cites, game-day apparel will never again feature slogans which could be construed as inappropriate by church standards. In a related move, the athletics department will change team names to “anything that doesn’t start with an ‘A’,” said Tiff Evans, director of *SUSU.

No official announcement has been made regarding a suitable replacement for the Aggies, but The Truant received a tip late Sunday evening that the name “BYU-Logan Stripling Warriors” was heard floating around during priesthood session in the River Heights 3rd ward, home to several high-ranking school officials.

Big Blue himself isn’t even immune from the changes. Objections have been heard from groups who don’t feel comfortable with the double-entendres which can be drawn from having a mascot with horns. “Besides,” said horny-mascot opposer Jennifer Smith, “horns are what the devil wears.”

President Stan Albrecht announced he will remain at the helm of BYU-Logan for at least several more years, after which, as tradition dictates, he will be made a general authority in the church hierarchy and live out his days traveling around blessing babies and criticizing skirt lengths.