“I think if we give these people who were acting like retards at work and got fired as a result, some grocery money, it will help the grocery corporation post better profits, and help heal the economy as a whole,” Obama explained.

“Take my good friend Chuck here, for example,” the President said, as a scruffy, somewhat overweight white guy was ushered onstage. “Chuck the Forklift Driver. When Chuck got high at work and rammed his forklift into a stack of crates because he was stoned and playing with his iPod touch instead of watching where he was driving, he caused an accident which slightly injured one person and paralyzed three Mexicans. After he failed a drug test, he was fired from his job and became Chuck the Drain on Society.

“Today, of course, Chuck will be able to pay his rent and gas bill and put some food on the table, thanks to his unemployment benefits, which he formerly would not have gotten because he lost his job by being a shithead at work,” Obama said, slapping Chuck on the back.

Denise Rogers, a single mom who was fired from being a waitress at Chili’s after drinking on the job and letting a 17-year old busboy finger her, said she is thankful for President Obama’s largesse in her time of need, but still hates him because he invented taxes.

“And another thing, I can’t use my fucking Horizon card to buy fucking cigarettes, why the Christ not?” Rogers asked, in front of her kid.

Policy experts were divided between using coded language to insinuate it’s Black people’s fault, and noncommital wussiness.

“I don’t know about you,” shrieked conservative gem Glenn Beck, “But I work for a living! And I don’t want my hard-earned dollars going to buy more gold chains for some G in the hood!”

“Whether or not the President’s latest plan works, of course, remains to be seen,” NBC’s Brian Williams said as he signed off from the evening news.