South Africa, which, as of a couple years ago, had always been a mainstay of equality and justice for almost all people and races, said that they were worried that, “The llama [sic] would take the focus of the peace conference off of the upcoming World Cup and put the focus on peace relations.  Also,” continued Kgalema Motlanthe, the current president of South Africa, “when his [His Holiness’] application came across my desk I was fantasizing about a chick dropping a deuce and kinda spaced it out.”

Some political experts, and most people that can breathe out of their nose, suggest that the real reason that possibly the worlds greatest icon of peace was intentionally barred from a peace conference, is because South Africa is China’s most lucrative trading partner on the continent and that China has the best kids toys, baby formula, human rights record, religious freedoms, an exquisite sex-trade, and they know all of the best rivers in which to drown a child if it’s a girl.

Of the worldly political figures and Hollywood celebrities that were invited to the conference, some have decided to boycott, citing, “total bullshit.”

One of the more notable boycotters is Nelson Mandela – who, according to the current South African government, “Doesn’t know shit about shit when it comes to peace and relations” – said of the Dalai Llama’s situations, “Fuck ‘em [those in charge of the conference]. Dezzy Tutu and I are skipping the soccer shit-show that the conference has become and are going to spend the day kickin’ it with people who need help and doin’ all types of Nobel laureate shit.”

Though there has been no comment from Charlize Theron, a daughter of South Africa who was also invited to the peace conference, this reporter is still a strong supporter of her and pictures of her, just as long as she doesn’t film a sequel to Monster, her Oscar-winning film that turned my penis into an “innie” for a week and a half, because no one should ever look that bad or be fucked with a tire iron for less than ten bucks.

In related news, a group of South African political moguls are planning to submit a bill to parliament that would reinstate apartheid.  According to a political insider, the only delay is that the proprietors of the bill are having trouble finding a way to include the phrase “stupid slopes” and not offend anyone but the “stupid slopes” from Tibet.