This past week in an oversized and veiny survey preformed by members of The Truant staff on the willing American student body, findings found that “unprotected sex is underrated.”

Spanning the entire western seaboard and a few small towns north of Logan, Utah, which still don’t even show up on Google, surveys and services were passed out and performed, to find a definitive answer to the question that has been baffling the condom peddlers of Planned Parenthood and the abstinent-zealot latex-haters of the Catholic Church alike: What’s so great about unprotected sex?  The answer rang loud and clear, as pencils filled circles, and men and woman alike agreed that unprotected sex has been playing second fiddle for too long.

In an answer coming from inside The Truant offices, a female intern who ghost-writes the horoscopes (who’s name will be withheld as to keep alive our 4 day streak of journalistic integrity) said, “There are a lot of guys around here with small ones, and if they use a rubber, it’s way hard for me to get what I need. Harder than that one time I had to draw blood from a retard.” [Ed. Note: by “around here” said female most definitely didn’t mean around the office, ‘cause we packin’, son.]

The female from the survey continued, saying, “And by ‘around here’ I mean in the office.”

As not to leave the better sex out of the survey, Donny Crespo , a 24 year old student at Utah State University, told us his most recent story of unprotected sex as he handed over his questionnaire:

I was drunk at Mulligan’s Social Club and we had similar shoes on so she came over to me and said some dumb shit like ‘Look, we’re soul mates.’  So I took her home and fucked her without a condom.

The survey was written by in-house prolific sports editor, survey aficionado, and coat-tail rider Sherman Defrisco, who said it’s something he’s been working on since grade school, hence the construction paper and finger paint.  The scope of the survey rated unprotected sex on the scale of “one” to “underrated”, “one” being, “I wish they made condoms and diaphragms out of spikes and slivers, and “underrated” being “It just feels so good when my body goes inside and outside of your body, like for real.”

These finding also boost new confidence in our 44^th president, believing that he will rid the world of war and STDs so men and women alike will never again have to worry about being drafted or catch a nasty sickness in their dickness, both of which could lead to death or a really weird part in your pubic hair.