[SALT LAKE CITY] Paul Mero, renowned political pundit and President of the conservative think tank The Sutherland Institute issued via press release his new platform of socially conservative policy ideas.

Some of the controversial policy measures release include, to make it a law that only adults over twenty-five are allowed to drink alcohol.

“Minorities too, and I’m willing to spend out the ass, to see that they don’t get a fair shake at things.” he continued.

The Sutherland Institute was founded in 2004 to develop new ways to legislate morality and oppress the poor, and according to religious leaders has succeeded in the Reddest of Red, State of Utah. The group, which specializes in ‘On-one-hand-this-and-on the-other-hand-that, as long as you are Mormon and white’ policy ideas proudly states it has never employed, associated or looked minorities directly in the eye.

“We even have a hard time hiring people whose last names end in vowels,” Mero said, referring to Matthew Piccolo and Jim Giometta who are a policy analyst and legislative consultant, respectively. “Anyone who has seen Piccolo’s picture on the The Sutherland Institute’s website can see that he is clearly of Aryan descent,” Mero added.

When asked to clarify his statement Mero said, “I mean sure, we promote personal responsibility, it’s right there in our mission statement, but shit man, If we can spend a few dollars of tax payer money to make sure those who make different choices than me are persecuted, I say lets do it.”

Mero also detailed a measure that would make masturbation a felony and also disallow minorities the right to procreate out of wedlock. “People forget that the family is the most basic institution in American Society and I’m standing up to protect it. I am willing to spend tax payer money to help maintain and protect the family and the unborn. With that said, once they are born. Fuck ‘em.”

Mero, the father of six, didn’t seemed worried about the backlash that might result from what seemed like a racist initiative said, “Let’s face it, Mexicans can’t afford Internet, so they’ll never get to read the latently racist things The Sutherland Institute has to say so I really don’t have to worry about this coming back to bite me in the ass. Shit, they can’t read either, now that we’ve gutted the public education system.”

“Which brings us back to alcohol, I know I’ve said time and time again that the least amount of government intrusion is best, but that’s only with the things I  agree with. I want our children to never, eversee people use alcohol responsibly, so that they learn one drink is equal to a thousand. Then when they are young adults they will learn a tragic lesson as they watch one of their friends drink themselves to death. That’s the way God would have wanted it.” Mero said.

 ”I’d also like to just point out, if you drink alcohol, you drink to get drunk. You don’t remember shit and can go fuck yourself.” Mero added in conclusion, while creating a powerpoint for his Melchizedek Preisthood meeting, proving once and for all that the Law of Consecration is in no way Socialism.