SALT LAKE—In what has to be one of the worst possible meet-the-parents scenarios ever, last night a young man met the mother and father of his date at the local emergency room after he found that his date was allergic to latex during sex.

Sophomore Blake Coles and Freshman Kate Anders met each other on the first day of an econ class they shared on the University of Utah campus. In less than a week of overtly sexual flirtation and after an incident where Kate put her hand on Blake’s leg and said, “I bet your econ is macro, real macro,” the students were finding their way to Blake’s dorm-room futon, naked as fuck and just pre-cuming like crazy.

“We weren’t drunk,” Blake told a member of The Truant staff who was also in the emergency room for an unrelated incident. “I mean, we had been drinking, but we were alright, and my roommate was gone and she [Kate] was all naked and riding me. We made the genital-to-genital contact that everyone says is enough to share a disease, but I still thought I’d put a rubber on when we switched positions. It was dark and I guess I did it quick enough that she didn’t notice. After a second she started to scream and I honest to God thought that I had killed her with my dick. No one swells up like that, no matter how well you do it doggishly.”

Blake said as soon as he turned his lava lamp on, he took note of his date’s beautiful breasts, but knew they would have to wait, and took her to the hospital immediately.

“That sneaky fuck,” said Kate with a hint of a smile. “He slipped it on without saying a word, and quick too, like some sort of safe-sex Houdini and within a few strokes I knew it was game over and there was no way I was going to climax.”

Through the contact information on Kate’s insurance, a hospital nurse contacted Kate’s parents to pick her up and when they arrived notified them that she had been brought in by Blake who was sitting the corner with his head in his hands.

“That bitch of a nurse,” said Blake. “Throwing professionalism right out of the window and snitching on me as the one who fucked their daughter all the way to the emergency room. When they came over I didn’t know what to say and stumbled over something that probably sounded like, ‘well, ya see, I didn’t know she was allergic, so I thought I was doin’ the right thing by using one, not that your daughter is a whore and wouldn’t want to use one made of lambskin or something, so she started to swell up and I pulled out and…,’ it was a goddamn mess. I could be engaged to this girl and still I’ll never be invited over for dinner.”

“Yeah, no chance of dinner,” said Kate, “my parents didn’t talk to me the whole way home. I guess that’s what I get for using condoms: pissed off parents and a fat-body. I always though it would be the other way around.”

Blake agreed that the embarrassment would eventually pass and was glad that Kate wasn’t a guy, cause that would have been even more awkward had he met the parents of some kid who didn’t know that their son was gay until they picked him up in the emergency room with a swollen colon.

“From here on out,” said Blake, sounding tired and defeated, “I’m goin’ raw unless the girl signs a waiver or something. College sucks.”