“Basically anyone could have come up with this,” Chief of Police Brad Jensen said. “Oh, you’re going to shoot as many people as possible in a parking lot before the police arrive and kill you? Big deal. Go watch Seven. You might learn something.”

K Mart patron Travis Hansen called the killer’s plan “infantile” compared to the evil plan Kevin Spacey’s character in the film Seven came up with.

“Not to be a dick to that killer guy, but just how basic his plan was? Makes him seem a little lazy,” Hansen said as he unloaded his purchases into the trunk of his silver Pontiac Grand Am with no rims or anything; poor people always drive the shittiest cars. “Have you ever seen Seven with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman? Now that killer had a great evil plan.”

The plot of Seven revolves around Pitt and Freeman, who play detectives trying to catch a brilliant killer with the diabolical plan to murder ’seven’ individuals, one for each deadly sin. In an arresting twist, the killer arranges for himself to be caught after the first five murders, whereupon he mails Pitt’s character a box containing the head of his (Pitt’s) wife, Gwyneth Paltrow. For some reason that Spacey’s character explains really well in the movie, this symbolizes ‘Envy.’ After Freeman says the famous line, “John Doe (Spacey) has the upper hand!” Pitt’s character shoots Spacey’s character, symbolizing ‘Wrath’ and making Seven one of the most enjoyable movies ever committed to film. Everyone agrees that this K Mart killer’s plan sucked compared to Seven.

“These killers these days, it’s like they’re not even trying,” Jensen said. “It’s like no one bothers to take the time to construct a brilliant plan anymore, the kind of plan that can turn an investigation into ‘A nerve-jangling thriller with a gut-wrenching climax,’ – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone Magazine.”

After receiving multiple 911 calls about the nut job stalking the K Mart parking lot with his shotgun cocked, multiple police units arrived on the scene, and basically just got out of their cars and shot the killer until he was dead. Police said the killer was not even remotely proficient with his legally purchased Mossberg 12-gauge shotgun and was very easy to kill.

“This case didn’t require – say – going back to a crime scene to see if shards of linoleum pulled from an obese man who has been forced to eat spaghetti until he dies’ stomach match the floor at said crime scene, so we can see if there are additional clues, and then discovering a cryptic message written in grease behind the refrigerator,” Jensen said, “or anything remotely cool.”

Jensen said that like most peace officers, he joined up because he had seen films like Seven and thought he would be hunting down demented, brilliant killers, like that psycho Spacey played in Seven. Instead, Jensen said his day-to-day is like a boring version of the Rodney King beating, except substitute ’spoiled white kids’ for ‘Rodney King,’ and ‘giving them MIPs’ for ‘beating.’