Ed. Note: This article was written by a bonobo named Chauncey. Chauncey use to write most of the material for The Truant until our office was raided and all responsible staff was taken in to custody and charged with soliciting prostitutes and animal cruelty-hence the lack of good articles since last fall. The primate was un-cuffed from its Truant issued typewriter and has since been forced to write for the monthly LDS publication The Ensign. Here is the ape’s first publication, duplicated without copyright permission.

Billy’s Choice

William, or “Billy” as his friends called him, grew up in a good home with a mother and father that loved him and hugged him really hard. He played baseball, and strived to be a great wrestler just like Joseph Smith, who was one of the greatest wrestlers ever, and also very charismatic and handsome.

When Billy became a Teacher (Ed. Note: At the age of 13 male members of Mormon church are dubbed “Teachers” and allowed the passage to say a prayer about drinking blood and eating human flesh as to bless small cups of water and bread crumbs), he had some questions that he wasn’t very comfortable with.

Billy knew that when he grew up, and after he served a mission he should like a girl and she would submit to him just like he would be taught in the Missionary Training Center, or “MTC” as the older kids called it, but he couldn’t explain the overwhelming need he had to look at the other boys when he showered with them at the Pleasantville Rec Center. It was really dark and warm in the locker room.

Billy had a good father but was too nervous to ask him about his feelings so he turned to his scout master, Brother Jason Gordon, who all the kids thought was so cool. Billy told him about how he, well, how he kind of liked to look at boys instead of girls.

“Oooh Billy,” said Brother Jason, or “Unkie Gordon” as he told the kids to call him, “It’s not part of the Eagle Scout curriculum or god’s plan to feel that way about other boys. Here, feel how uncomfortable this makes you.” Brother Jason’s eyes rolled back in his head and he began to knead Billy’s “quiet place.”

Father said that the Scout Master could check all of his “places” in case there were ticks, so Billy let Brother Jason teach him a lesson, and even though he was a little embarrassed about the spots on his olive green troop-issued trousers, Billy finally fell asleep, shivering and shuddering by the side of the dutch oven.

Brother Jason, who didn’t have time to cuddle, went into the other boy’s tents to check for more ticks. He found so many, that by the time he came out the tent he was breathing hard and had really wet lips that he said were because of Jesus.

Billy loved scout camp, but still had those strange feelings when he was around all the guys at school. He had been reading The Book of Mormon with his family for fifteen minutes every night, and his mom promised him a Nephite action figure when he finished, so one night mid-scripture, it came to Billy that if someone had the toughest questions about life, they should ask the Bishop.

Bishop Young was such a good speaker. He talked every Sunday about ward business, drove a really nice car, and even took time to shake hands with the Mexicans.

Billy made an appointment with the Bishop on Sunday after church and met with him in his office which was full of pictures of Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, and a bunch of other white people, because that’s how righteous he was.

After Billy told Bishop Young about his feelings towards other boys, the Bishop laughed and scooted his chair closer to Billy so he could put his hand on his thigh and look into Billy’s eyes. “Oh Billy, it’s normal to be confused when you are young. But you don’t want to feel that way about boys. Those feelings are saved for girls. They are for girls, and you will understand those feelings when you are older.”

Billy thought about what the Bishop was saying, and felt hair-covered knuckles reassure him as they made a friendly pass at his private pouch. He remembered what dad said about the Bishop being chosen by god and really smart because he owned his own construction business. Billy told him he was a little worried and didn’t want to the Bishop to see the water building in his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” said Bishop Young, “I have been chosen by god to help you with these decisions, and I know that it’s hard right now, really hard, but let me work on it and you’ll soften up towards the end of god’s plan.”

Bishop Young wiped Billy’s tears away with a small, soft piece of his garments that were sticking out of his trousers and lovingly held Billy’s mouth open for the rest of the discussion.

Billy was grateful for what he learned from the Bishop and his scout master. He realized that when you are young and continually told that certain older people are so righteous that they everything they do or say is correct, eventually that is the way you will really feel. Billy learned his lesson quickly and his father insisted that he attend scouts and meet with the bishop on a weekly basis until Billy’s issue was cured. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Thomas S. Monson, president of the church, presided over the ceremony which was held in fireside format in the Dee Glen Smith Spectrum. Also on hand were Elder Cecil O. Samuelson, president of the main BYU campus in Provo, and Jaycee Carroll, Utah State’s all-time leading basketball point scorer and presumably Utah State’s last famous alumnus before the transition.

The change comes as little surprise to USU administative watchdog group Diverted Justice, which has predicted Utah State’s change from secular to faith-based since its founding in 2004.

“The handwriting has been on the wall for some time now,” said Dirk Morrison, founder of Diverted Justice, “but it was just recently that we could tell the change was imminent when the administration began ceasing all activities contrary to church standards.”

Most notably among the changes Diverted Justice cites, game-day apparel will never again feature slogans which could be construed as inappropriate by church standards. In a related move, the athletics department will change team names to “anything that doesn’t start with an ‘A’,” said Tiff Evans, director of *SUSU.

No official announcement has been made regarding a suitable replacement for the Aggies, but The Truant received a tip late Sunday evening that the name “BYU-Logan Stripling Warriors” was heard floating around during priesthood session in the River Heights 3rd ward, home to several high-ranking school officials.

Big Blue himself isn’t even immune from the changes. Objections have been heard from groups who don’t feel comfortable with the double-entendres which can be drawn from having a mascot with horns. “Besides,” said horny-mascot opposer Jennifer Smith, “horns are what the devil wears.”

President Stan Albrecht announced he will remain at the helm of BYU-Logan for at least several more years, after which, as tradition dictates, he will be made a general authority in the church hierarchy and live out his days traveling around blessing babies and criticizing skirt lengths.