CHEYENNE, Wyoming—In the face of accusations from thousands of friends on facebook and many past male lovers, Lordy Tremain, the greatest and best writer for acclaimed food & wine magazine The Truant, made a conjugal visit to his estranged wife in a women’s prison in Cheyenne, Wyoming, to set the record straight.

Tremain, who has been fighting homelessness and drug addiction for years, swears to god that he is an atheist and says that the only reason that he decided to have sex with his imprisoned wife was to prove to his friends and the U.S. military that he was a heterosexual, no matter what was caught on film in eight or nine parking garages across the mid to north-west and at that park behind the 24-Hour Fitness in Sugar House.

“I love my wife,” said Tremain into his tape recorder outside of the Cheyenne Woman’s Correctional facility, right before he finished his Fernet and promethazine and crossed through the security gates of the prison. “I love my wife…”

Inside the conjugal room the meeting quickly became a gruesome exhibit of claw marks and penetration, and had to be stopped by a guard, who later said he was “absolutely baffled as to how the couple had managed to get in a video recorder and hundreds of Mexican jumping beans.” Rubbing his forehead, he continued, saying, “I’m pretty sure what they were doing was against the law whether they were in or out of prison.”

After the horrid display of jailhouse coitus, which could be described as more of a genital fist fight ending in fluid graffiti, Tremain was escorted off of the property and cited with 3 counts of indecency including “Unlawful use of the ‘Regal Beagle’ and ‘Blood Letting.’”

After Mrs. Tremain was de-loused and group-showered, we were lucky enough to get a short statement from her in regards to her love for her husband and also his alleged involvement with homosexual communities around the world.

“Lordy Termain is the biggest fucking piece of shit I’ve ever fucked. When I first met him I was on I-80 and needed a ride out of town fast. So when he pulled over, in what turned out to be a stolen car, he promised me a ride anywhere in the world if I would only have a baby by him, plus that he was worth hundreds of dollars and all of that good shit. So I obeyed the rules of the road that he said were really the law and did the most horribly and twisted things imaginable to him until the next thing I know we woke up in Vegas and were married. My wedding ring was just a bruise on my finger that I got from fucking his freshly cut Jason with it until the bone broke off and the other guy had to leave. Then he called the cops on me and said I was wanted in Wyoming on meth charges, which I was, and now I’m in jail and that mother fucker has the nerve to come to my prison and trick me into the most disgusting sex of my life. His blood was everywhere and he screws like a second-rate, barely developed, homosexual man.”

Tremain has since been seen at public library trying to edit the film he took, and subsequently keistered, of him and his wife fucking, into a sextape that he can sell online to avid Truant readers, who he said, “probably use vibrators to Dickhouse, but no doubt jerk-off to me.”

As far as returning to Wyoming to appear for his court date, Tremain said that he’d rather “watch his family reunion turn in to a gangbang than ever, ever, ever, go back to Wyoming. Although,” he continued, “the little cousins are gettin’ grown…”