Sexual Assaults

With nary a sexual assault accusation amongst the Orlando Magic, You gotta give the Lakers a nod here, with Kobe Bryant’s well-documented sexual proclivities, and the sexual assault charges pending against back-up point guard Shannon Brown. The Lakers take firm grasp, hold it down, firmly, quickly and without leaving trace evidence take this category and lock it for home court advantage throughout the series. Don’t tell anyone, cause nobody will believe you anyway, slut.

Douchebag

Not many teams have the luxury of lining up a douchebag as experienced as Derek Fisher. He’s old and slow, but he gets his teammates in the right spots on the floor, and knocks down open shots, two of the most important duties for a douchebag. Fisher has been here before and he knows what it takes to play douchebag at this high level. The pressure of the finals will not get to an old hand at douchebag like Fisher. Watch the way Fisher plays douchebag: during timeouts and stoppages, he’s always talking to the clutzier Lakers, encouraging them and keeping their spirits up like a coach on the floor:

“”Hey man, Kobe doesn’t really hate you. He says cold shit sometimes because he’s just so impatient and he wants to win so damn bad. Yo, Pau, quit crying man. Okay, Pau, timeout’s over. Alright, Pau, enough. Seriously, dude. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey Phil. Phil please come here and get Pau man.”

Even Kobe, Even Kobe, who raped some girl one time and then paid for it to go away, but is really really good at basketball so whatever, listens to the experienced veteran douchebag of the Lakers. Kobe knows that he might be the Best Closer in Rape, but if he gets double-teamed at a key moment late in the game, he has all the confidence in the world in his team’s douchebag and he will dish it off with no hesitation.

Faggot European Players

Los Angeles takes this category as well, with a roster deep in faggoty Europeans. Their slender hands are great at shooting threes and wrapping around the hard shafts of other guy’s cocks, not so great at securing rebounds. Mop-headed crybaby Pau Gasol leads LA’s eurotrash contingent, which includes Sasha Vujacic, who excels at growing hair and waving his arms. Actually those are LA’s only two europeans, but it sure seems like they have more, probably because Jordan Farmar would look so natural slipping GHB into a 16-year-old American girl’s drink at a rave in Ibiza. That fucking faggot. Orlando actually has three euros: Hedo Turkoglu, who may actually be Arab, the jury’s out on whether Turkey is part of Europe or the Middle East at the moment; Mikael Pietrus, who doesn’t count because he’s black; and Marcin Gortat, who only allegedly plays in the NBA.

Outcome

Recidivists in 6.

/Additional Reporting by Nixon Dickhouse