“Then I could put up a bunch of neat pictures on it,” Tavares sighed wistfully, “and other stuff.”

Tavares’ roommate, German exchange student Klaus Von Zauderberg, has been encouraging Tavares to follow his dream, and begin his cork collection.

“I tell him all ze time, ‘to ze victor go ze spoils!’” Von Zauderberg said. “Initiate your cork collection, und before you know it, you will have more zan enough corks to construct your board!”

Tavares, however, is unsure if he drinks enough wine to make the project worthwhile. “I’m more of a ‘Domestic, Light & Cold’ type of guy,” he said. “Maybe when I’m older.”

Tavares’ girlfriend, Tonya Reading, said she wants her darling Jakey to follow his dreams, but she is wary of the whole-cork-board-made-from-real-corks scheme.

“I just don’t want him to get hurt,” Reading said. “Remember his astronomy phase?”

Sewing seeds of doubt is the third roommate, who Von Zauderberg said everyone secretly hates.

“I don’t want there to be a bunch of random corks everywhere if I have company over,” said Dan Revere, a graphic design junior who is always bragging that he is a direct descendant of Paul Revere.

Tavares has been spending more and more time in his room lately, sketching possible designs for his corkboard. “I could build it really fast if I started drinking a glass of red wine every night for my heart, like my dad does,” he said. “I don’t know. It just looks kind of satsifying to glue the corks down two-by-two. But am I really a make-my-own-cork-board-from-real-corks guy?”

“It’s just so fucking pretentious,” Revere said. “People who make those cork boards out of real corks are just covertly bragging about all the different kinds of wine they have had.”

As of press time, Reading was at the liquor store, debating whether to bring over a bottle of wine for her date with Tavares tonight, or if that would be too manipulative.