The declaration was made from the dick deck of a small houseboat which Bush had rented and launched on  a reservoir near his Texas home.

Dressed in his old flight suit and holding a white helmet under his arm, Bush dismounted out of a pretend fighter jet and waved to a crowd of supporters that weren’t really there, before beginning a speech which he, or someone else who uses crayons, wrote on what appeared to be a paper crown from Burger King.

“My fellow Americans,” Bush began, “The war in Afghanistan is over, and the tyrant that ruled that country for hundreds of years has fallen. We, through a coalition of the willing and under great leadership from the pentagon and the brave firefighters from 9/11, have taken down a regime of freedom-hating punjabs and made the Middle East liberated once again.

“Right now over half of some of the people in al Qaeda are dead or captured, or are alive somewhere in Syria or maybe in Pakistan or Afghanistan, and that makes me proud to be your commander in chief.

“Our victory in the Middle East echoes many of the great victories that America has been behind since the beginning of time. When Columbus fought off the Indians or when a band of Jews led by Brad Pitt infiltrated Nazi Germany and killed Hitler in a movie theater [looking around with a tear in his eye, then at his helmet still under his arm] these were all great American victories…”

Bush’s remarks echoed that of May 1^st of 2003 when he declared that the war in Iraq was over in a speech he gave from the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. The speech received much criticism considering the war in Iraq was not over then, nor it is today and that on top of the fact that the United States never officially declared war on Iraq at all.

No such back-lash is expected on Bush’s speech regarding Afghanistan, being that the former president has been looked upon with pity as of late because his wife is getting all of the good publicity spots dedicating libraries (probably because he can’t fucking read), and he hasn’t heard back on any his applications to be a spokes person for either the Internet, Food, or the county of Canada, saying, “Haven’t heard nothin’ yet, but I have my fingers crossed for food.”

The time Bush’s speech had ended, it had become punctuated by regular and racial slurs and the BK crown was now on top of his helmet which was now backwards and on his head. Dick Cheney, who had been skeet shooting off the back of the houseboat helped former President Bush back to the imaginary fighter jet that he flew in on and gave him a warm pat on the back.

Cheney was then heard asking Bush if he liked flying the aircraft that he pretended to come in on, to which Bush responded, “Of course I liked it, I was the one that made it all up.”

]]> http://www.thetruant.com/2009/11/george-w-bush-declares-%e2%80%9cmission-accomplished%e2%80%9d-in-afghanistan/feed/ 0 http://www.thetruant.com/2009/02/the-truant-catches-up-with-george-w-bush/ http://www.thetruant.com/2009/02/the-truant-catches-up-with-george-w-bush/#comments Tue, 03 Feb 2009 12:39:07 +0000 Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall http://www.thetruant.com/?p=184

CRAWFORD, TEXAS – There was not a Texan in the world happier than George W. Bush to see Barack Obama take the reigns of our fair country last month and finally give a much-needed break to both former president Bush and the people of the United States of America. Former President Bush, who was last seen on inauguration day by millions of people as he was hopping into a helicopter with his wife, has remained relatively quiet since he left 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., riding a low tide of approval ratings that kept him in the twenties for his presidential swan song.

Choosing to break his silence and to let off a little steam, as well as drop few jewels of down-south, home-cooked advice for the new president, Bush, or “Bushy” as he now insist on being called by the six friends that he’s got left, gave an open interview yesterday afternoon and The Truant was lucky enough to be in the audience.

“American People, it’s an honor to have someone to talk to again, it’s been real quiet like since I quit my job as World Person in Charge.  Hell, me and Laura moved in to a real peaceful place that stays light and white out longer than it ever did in DC, if ya’ get my drift.  Other than that, the main change is that I ain’t on TV much anymore. And ya know, that’s fine because John Stewart, and Keith Olbermann, and “facts” have been real hard on me over the past eight years because of little things like, oh, who I killed and who I helped get rich and such, so I’m glad that part of it’s over.

“Of course another minor major change since I packed my bags, speaking of which, while I was movin’ out I took them White House silverwares with me in my tote, and told this one female intern to “be careful with my luggage” while I cupped my self. Ya’ll get it? Anyways, the other minor major change is that now, Obama’s in charge. And I think he really worked harder than he did for that win, ya know? I still like and respect the man to this day, just like my talkin’coach told me to say when I first met Barack in public, but I already don’t agree with a few things he is doing. I heard that he’s givin’ money to Mexicans to get abortions [Bush is hopefully referring to the overturning of the “Mexico City Policy” that allows the US to give money to international family planning organizations who provide sexual education and abortion counseling] and that’s just not right because that makes less Mexicans that we need to build fences for. Hell, daddy Obama wants baby dead in mommy, and that ain’t right.

“But I ain’t even worried as much about the Mexicans as I am about the French. You know that’s an old American joke, ‘cause them French never did nothing for us ‘cept back out of war and buy our cigarettes. I saw they sent ol’ President Jacques Chirac to the emergency room. Did ya’ll see that! Chirac’s “clinically depressed” poodle sent him to the emergency room. Damn dog bit him and they shipped him to the hospital. Ha! Frogs wouldn’t last a day in Texas.”

After being asked for clarification on his statement by a publication out of New York that The Truant couldn’t even afford a week subscription to, former president Bush cleared the air, continuing, “I love flavors. They’re just so good.” As of press time The Truant and The New York Times guess he was talking about ice cream. The former president continued:

“Gawd dang it, boys , ya’ll are just getting me started on this political stuff, and you know that I just quit that job with full benefits, ‘cause Chaney said so, but you’re just draggin’ me back in to it. I know people said a bunch that I wasn’t very good at foreign political politics but I just now heard that Zimbabwe introduced the $100 trillion bill, but here we are, stuck blowin’ through twenties and hundreds. These Asians have $100 trillion in their pockets, and we are in economic crisis. Think about it people, Asians can shop anywhere they want for food.

“I also done hear they want to close down Gitmo within a year. But how does Obama think that he is going to help the Cuban economy if he isn’t running Gitmo? Right now we buy food, and I ain’t suppose to say this, but I know that no one reads the news, but we buy food, and sundries, and old meats, and all types of stuff for that prison from Cuba, so if we stop buying that stuff from that dying fuck Castro, how could we possibly help Cuba’s economy? There’s no other option in the world, my friends, and my pop told me that himself.

“Hell, I even heard Obama was in negotiation with the Palestine like he’s Jimmy Carter or some shit. I know, and remember, I was the mouthpiece of ‘merica for eight years, I know that the whole reason behind this is that the Jewses don’t celebrate Christmas, so the Mooslums don’t like them and there is this huge problem. Stupid Jewses, not belivin’ in Christmas time. I also heard that there was a problem with a stripper named Gaza, but I ain’t too sure, ‘cause I don’t think Mooslums have strip clubs. ‘Cause they cant drink booze, and that wouldn’t be that comfortable. Ya’ll get it? ‘Cause this bottle I’m drinking right out of right here says Southern Comfort. S-o-t-h-e-r-n C-O..uhh..C…uhh…ya’ll know what I mean.

“I guess the news now a days isn’t all bad though. Hell, at least here in Texas we have some of the best athletes in the world. Even them girls can play. I heard that right here in Dallas a girl’s team beat their enemy one-hundred points to zero! Ya, I heard it was a real walloping and that not only did the team that scored zero points lose, they were also retarded. Had dyslexia and all types of learnin’ stuff, read it right there in the paper. Ha, imagine that, retards playin’ basketball. I bet they shoot a lot of threes. That’s funny, I’m gonna have to tell Laura that.

“Welp folks, its been nice havin’ someone to talk to, like I said, so lets do this again real soon. But I gotta get goin’ now, I guess Cheney’s on his way over here with some checks and papers I gotta sign. Something about Scooter Libby and perjury, whatever that’s supposed to mean. Alrighty, don’t let the gate hit cha where the G-O-D split cha. And, oh yeah, I almost forgot, hey McCain, how’s livin’ the dream, you fuckin loser!”