“Does it completely make up for USU completely fucking the dog, again, in the Big Dance? No,” Burley said. “But it is nice to finally get a meaningful win over the Republicans, after a full year of holding the White House.”

After getting depressed-drunk following USU’s loss to the Other Aggies, Burley spent Sunday night getting elated-drunk and partying in his basement with a few other Democrats. The jubilation culminated in the entire party joining hands and singing a song called And Now We’re Going to Fuck the Republicans Over to the tune of Ziggy Stardust at four A.M. Monday morning.

“I’ve been saying all along that year two was going to be a VERY STRONG YEAR for Obama,” Burley said, swaying to and fro in his bedroom doorway, his party hat askew, his chronic blunt momentarily forgotten. “This is just the beginning. Now us Democrats have the big Mo, it’s time to force-feed the Republicans our agenda like a French farmer force-feeds a goose. In other words, with a funnel and a huge goddam bag full of initiatives, bills and legislation.”

Local Republicans’ reaction to the landmark bill passage could be summed up in one word: Butt Hurt. John Reagan, an Elk hunter and gay hater, blamed something called a “Thug Mafia” which Barack Obama is in charge of.

“You’ve got Tony Soprano, Silvio Dante and Paulie Walnuts in the oval office representing the mafia,” Reagan said.

“Then you’ve got Cam’Ron,”

“Carmelo Anthony and Suge Knight representing the thugs, and together with Rahm Emanuel and Obama, they form the Thug Mafia. They’re all about stealing truckloads of Armani suits from their uncle Junior, midnight basketball, and in their spare time, governing the country.”

Vice President Joseph Biden, speaking to Truant reporters around an enormous Cohiba cigar clamped in his massive white teeth, said that this win is a great chance to rub it in the Republicans faces, and remind them of how stupid they are.

“I celebrated by saying ‘Fuck’ like Dick Cheney did,” Biden said. “Let me say it again: Hell Motherfucking Yeah. We did it, one of the most incredible come-from-behind wins of all time.”

Biden went on to say that he and Obama are focusing on easily-accomplishable stuff that will be extremely popular for the remainder of the year, so as to enable the Democrats to keep on winning at the upcoming midterm elections.

Obama, who was replying to a question from USU marketing sophomore Marty Short, pointed out several parallels between the citizens of the People’s Replublic of China and the Borg, evil robots from the television show Star Trek: The Next Generation.

“Like the diabolical Borg collective, the Chinese will not rest until they have subjugated all humanity,” Obama said. “They feel no pain and have no feelings because their brains have been replaced with central processing units which only respond to commands from the motherboard.”

The President went on to say that if you don’t believe him about the no feelings shit, you need to check out this bugged-out video on Youtube where a Chinese guy skins a cat.

Obama’s comments touched off a furor, particularly amongst the more Fox-Newsy elements of the press corps. Three hours after Obama made the comparison, the White House issued a statement apologizing for it, and somewhat excusing it by saying that “the President was high when he said that.”

This only escalated things, and by suppertime, the gaffe had received its official appendation of ‘gate,’ ie, ‘Chinese/Borg comparisongate,’ and been ushered into the hallways of executive disgrace, to a plum spot next to Gennifer Flowers’ whore mouth.

Hours after Obama had departed, The Truant found many differing opinions on the USU campus that had borne witness to Chinese/Borg comparisongate.

To represent the side of right and truth, we selected a far right-leaning political science professor. To represent utter blasphemy, we chose a slightly less hawkish right-leaning political science prof, and for comic relief, a Star Trek dork.

The dork was quick to point out that someone named Gene Roddenberry may have actually been trying to make a salient point about communism with the Borg on Star Trek. After five solid minutes of hard-core ridicule, the dork was able to explain that “that matters because the Chinese use communism as their system of government.”

Dr. Anthony Wayne and Dr. Fielding Maddox, political science teachers and therefore basically capable of being President themselves, exchanged verbal thrusts upon the greensward for a few minutes before Dr. Maddox was called away urgently, to impress no one by appearing on the Tyler Riggs Show on KVNU 610 AM. He probably told everyone what he thought about Mayor Watts telling everyone to fuck off, and if they don’t want to fuck off, write him a letter about it.

Dr. Wayne used his rival’s absence to harangue us about the constitution and blame his–many, severe–personal problems on his wife, “a real major-league cunt,” who is “so much like my mother.”

When pressed for more substantive analysis of Chinese/Borg comparisongate, Dr. Wayne blessed us with the observation that “all of Gene Roddenberry’s work serves as an allegory of the benefits of the unfettered free market, right down to the Klingons standing in for the Democrats, the Communists are the goddam Romulan Empire, and James Kirk is Ronald Reagan.”

The official response of the Chinese government is not known as of press time, but a press conference is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon in Beijing. Using our extensive network of sources close to Jon Hunstman, The Truant has learned that the Chinese are planning on cutting off America’s vital supply of poisonous knick-knacks, as payback for the affront.

“I think if we give these people who were acting like retards at work and got fired as a result, some grocery money, it will help the grocery corporation post better profits, and help heal the economy as a whole,” Obama explained.

“Take my good friend Chuck here, for example,” the President said, as a scruffy, somewhat overweight white guy was ushered onstage. “Chuck the Forklift Driver. When Chuck got high at work and rammed his forklift into a stack of crates because he was stoned and playing with his iPod touch instead of watching where he was driving, he caused an accident which slightly injured one person and paralyzed three Mexicans. After he failed a drug test, he was fired from his job and became Chuck the Drain on Society.

“Today, of course, Chuck will be able to pay his rent and gas bill and put some food on the table, thanks to his unemployment benefits, which he formerly would not have gotten because he lost his job by being a shithead at work,” Obama said, slapping Chuck on the back.

Denise Rogers, a single mom who was fired from being a waitress at Chili’s after drinking on the job and letting a 17-year old busboy finger her, said she is thankful for President Obama’s largesse in her time of need, but still hates him because he invented taxes.

“And another thing, I can’t use my fucking Horizon card to buy fucking cigarettes, why the Christ not?” Rogers asked, in front of her kid.

Policy experts were divided between using coded language to insinuate it’s Black people’s fault, and noncommital wussiness.

“I don’t know about you,” shrieked conservative gem Glenn Beck, “But I work for a living! And I don’t want my hard-earned dollars going to buy more gold chains for some G in the hood!”

“Whether or not the President’s latest plan works, of course, remains to be seen,” NBC’s Brian Williams said as he signed off from the evening news.

WASHINGTON DC—After keeping relatively quiet for almost a decade, the topic of gays in the military has once again come to the forefront of American military policy as President Barack Obama spoke to the nation last month regarding the issue and pledged his support to change the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy instated years ago.

Like any move our commander-in-chief makes, his support of equal rights for homos has been met with opposition from the right and other people that hate art and going to brunch. Last week, in between interviewing Bubble Boy on his affinity for his parents and also that cunt Heidi Montag on her affinity for shaving her dick square chin, The Truant was lucky enough to catch up with Colonel Brent V. Jackson, a self-described ‘army man of 30 years’ to see what he had to say about homosexual tolerance in the U.S. military.

[Ed Note: The good Colonel was sounding off at the top of his lungs for the bulk of the interview in a drawl bred somewhere in between the south and the south - try it, it's funny].

Col. Jackson: If there is one thing that I hate seein’ in this world, it’s a dead soldier. If there are two things that I hate to see in this world, it’s seein’ a dead soldier, and seein’ a homo! If I was to see a dead soldier that was a homo all at the same time, I think I would puke, shit my pants, and then kill myself in the head with a goddamn gun! ‘Cause that’s what you do when you see two things that you don’t like!

My boys have enough problems to worry about in this goddamn country without having to see a bunch of homos run around the barracks in girl’s clothes! ‘Cause that’s what homos do, run around in girl’s clothes!

The Truant: Do you think that there are homosexuals currently serving in the military?

Col. Jackson: Hell no! My boys are straighter than the barrels of the guns they use to shoot at other boys! What the fuck are you getting at, civilian? The military is a safe place for brave men and women to be shot without having to be harassed by the homos that want to bring America down by signing up to fight for it! ‘Cause that’s what homos do, fight for things they want to bring down!

The Truant: But Colonel, if none of the people in the Military, or the entire country of Iran for that matter, are homosexu…

Col. Jackson: Fuckin’ homos!

The Truant: Sorry, if none of the people in the Military are homosexual, would it be wrong to assume that by letting ‘fuckin homos’ in the military it would cause a problem with the straight members because, well, they are not gay and just doing their job?

Col. Jackson: Listen you civilian pencil-dick, my boys are on 24 hour guard against road-side bombs, suicide attacks and hate-mail from family members of innocent victims! The last thing they need is to have to worry about well-groomed men dressing up in women’s panties running around all tempting-like. It would put them off their guard and could lead a loss in Afghanistan! What do you think what went wrong in Vietnam? I’ll tell you right now, there were too many homos around when I was napalming villages of women and children in order to save them from being communist! Goddamnit! This interview is over! Next time send the monkey that writes for the goddamn Mormons!

As you can see, and we saw with our own pencil-dicked civilian eyes, having openly gay soldiers in the military would be an uphill fight against the common sense of hateful people who would hate to see the people that they hate die while protecting what they love. Haters man, haters.

The tired concept of patriotism was abandoned Wednesday by its last bedraggled proponents, a concession to the grinding reality of life in today’s America. Patriotism’s death was hailed by millions who acknowledged that America is no longer land of the free, home of the brave; but rather land of the banal, home of the lame.

Phyllis Schafly, famous right-wing ideologue, called it “a relief” to no longer have to pretend patriotism has a role in the Eagle Forum agenda.

“I can now say I have not felt a single shred of sentimental patriotism since the mid-nineties, when Jerry McGuire became one of the most popular movies ever,” Schafly said. “Jerry fucking McGuire.”

Another bright mind, Paul Mero of the Sutherland Institute, said his ultra-right wing think tank will get by without flag-waving just fine.

“Us republicans will still be bound together by our paranoia that liberals will prevent us from publicly displaying the 10 Commandments ever again,” Mero said. “It’s like, they’re the party of trying to prevent catastrophic environmental disasters, giving people health insurance and giving equal rights to gays. We’re the party of making sure the 10 Commandments are highly fucking visible at all times.

“But back to the point, it’s the feeling of the Sutherland Institute that we can no longer reconcile our patriotism with the existence of Toby Keith.”

President Barack Obama spoke briefly about the demise of patriotism in the Rose Garden, before flying Air Force One to Cleveland to try and cheer LeBron James up and convince him to sign with the Knicks next year.

“Patriotism, as grounds for doing stuff in international relations and stuff, makes about as much sense as saying you’re doing said stuff because your country’s flag is prettier,” Obama said. “Maybe in the past it did [make sense], back when our lofty principles and ideals meant something, back before we knew what they had begot: Paris Hilton’s BFF.”

Even Rush Limbaugh and other similar right-wing talking heads, some of patriotism’s strongest proponents in the past, laid off Obama for about one segment to discuss the black gaping void where pride for their country used to be.

“I stopped feeling patriotic right around when I was forcing my illegal immigrant housekeeper to score smack for me, the second time,” Limbaugh said. “I couldn’t stop doing smack, laying around on the couch, doing smack, asking myself what James Madison would think of our odious popular culture, doing smack, eating junk food until I got heartburn, doing smack, driving down to Walgreen’s for some antacids, doing smack in the bathroom at Walgreen’s, calling my housekeeper Consuela for more smack, passing out in the bathroom at Walgreen’s, getting kicked out when Walgreen’s closed, doing smack in the whip in Walgreen’s parking lot, and asking myself what exactly us Americans are so proud of, given that we apparently would prefer to use our matchless liberty to go see films like The Hangover.”

Limbaugh proceeded to inject himself with heroin in the webbing between his toes before saying, “I got homies that just got out of the joint who were offended by The Hangover. It’s been taking a lot of smack to act patriotic for the radio program.”

Another popular conservative personality, Glenn Beck, said, “As a Mormon, I cannot legally be an American citizen, which meant faking patriotism was a little awkward. I feel great now, like I just got out of jail like Limbaugh, except mine’s more of a figurative jail, not an actual jail I got sent to for being a junkie.”

Introducing our sixth source for this piece, some 3,300-odd words in, which you have to admit shows doggedness, The Truant interviewed noted patriotism expert, Doctor Raul Partizani, next. (Or should that be “next interviewed.” Fuck.)

“Whatever reasons we may have had to be patriotic in the past – if we could conveniently forget about the moral equivalent of the holocaust, which was perpetrated on the Native American people of this land by European invaders, who also incidentally enslaved another entire race while murdering the rightful owners of North America en masse – they’re moot now, because seriously not one single American can identify them,” Partizani said, in a sentence that begs for an editor but we’re too high. “Not even me. I know Spencer married Heidi and Kate left Jon but I don’t know that.”

Not getting the news that it is now impossible for anyone to be patriotic anymore were Sarah Palin, USU College Republicans chairman Frederik “Swede” Appel, and Del Lundahl, a North Logan resident who routinely writes letters to the Herald Journal demanding the dissolution of the IRS in favor of a system where citizens would come out on Sunday afternoons, strip to their shirtsleeves, and fill their own potholes.

CRAWFORD, TEXAS – There was not a Texan in the world happier than George W. Bush to see Barack Obama take the reigns of our fair country last month and finally give a much-needed break to both former president Bush and the people of the United States of America. Former President Bush, who was last seen on inauguration day by millions of people as he was hopping into a helicopter with his wife, has remained relatively quiet since he left 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., riding a low tide of approval ratings that kept him in the twenties for his presidential swan song.

Choosing to break his silence and to let off a little steam, as well as drop few jewels of down-south, home-cooked advice for the new president, Bush, or “Bushy” as he now insist on being called by the six friends that he’s got left, gave an open interview yesterday afternoon and The Truant was lucky enough to be in the audience.

“American People, it’s an honor to have someone to talk to again, it’s been real quiet like since I quit my job as World Person in Charge.  Hell, me and Laura moved in to a real peaceful place that stays light and white out longer than it ever did in DC, if ya’ get my drift.  Other than that, the main change is that I ain’t on TV much anymore. And ya know, that’s fine because John Stewart, and Keith Olbermann, and “facts” have been real hard on me over the past eight years because of little things like, oh, who I killed and who I helped get rich and such, so I’m glad that part of it’s over.

“Of course another minor major change since I packed my bags, speaking of which, while I was movin’ out I took them White House silverwares with me in my tote, and told this one female intern to “be careful with my luggage” while I cupped my self. Ya’ll get it? Anyways, the other minor major change is that now, Obama’s in charge. And I think he really worked harder than he did for that win, ya know? I still like and respect the man to this day, just like my talkin’coach told me to say when I first met Barack in public, but I already don’t agree with a few things he is doing. I heard that he’s givin’ money to Mexicans to get abortions [Bush is hopefully referring to the overturning of the “Mexico City Policy” that allows the US to give money to international family planning organizations who provide sexual education and abortion counseling] and that’s just not right because that makes less Mexicans that we need to build fences for. Hell, daddy Obama wants baby dead in mommy, and that ain’t right.

“But I ain’t even worried as much about the Mexicans as I am about the French. You know that’s an old American joke, ‘cause them French never did nothing for us ‘cept back out of war and buy our cigarettes. I saw they sent ol’ President Jacques Chirac to the emergency room. Did ya’ll see that! Chirac’s “clinically depressed” poodle sent him to the emergency room. Damn dog bit him and they shipped him to the hospital. Ha! Frogs wouldn’t last a day in Texas.”

After being asked for clarification on his statement by a publication out of New York that The Truant couldn’t even afford a week subscription to, former president Bush cleared the air, continuing, “I love flavors. They’re just so good.” As of press time The Truant and The New York Times guess he was talking about ice cream. The former president continued:

“Gawd dang it, boys , ya’ll are just getting me started on this political stuff, and you know that I just quit that job with full benefits, ‘cause Chaney said so, but you’re just draggin’ me back in to it. I know people said a bunch that I wasn’t very good at foreign political politics but I just now heard that Zimbabwe introduced the $100 trillion bill, but here we are, stuck blowin’ through twenties and hundreds. These Asians have $100 trillion in their pockets, and we are in economic crisis. Think about it people, Asians can shop anywhere they want for food.

“I also done hear they want to close down Gitmo within a year. But how does Obama think that he is going to help the Cuban economy if he isn’t running Gitmo? Right now we buy food, and I ain’t suppose to say this, but I know that no one reads the news, but we buy food, and sundries, and old meats, and all types of stuff for that prison from Cuba, so if we stop buying that stuff from that dying fuck Castro, how could we possibly help Cuba’s economy? There’s no other option in the world, my friends, and my pop told me that himself.

“Hell, I even heard Obama was in negotiation with the Palestine like he’s Jimmy Carter or some shit. I know, and remember, I was the mouthpiece of ‘merica for eight years, I know that the whole reason behind this is that the Jewses don’t celebrate Christmas, so the Mooslums don’t like them and there is this huge problem. Stupid Jewses, not belivin’ in Christmas time. I also heard that there was a problem with a stripper named Gaza, but I ain’t too sure, ‘cause I don’t think Mooslums have strip clubs. ‘Cause they cant drink booze, and that wouldn’t be that comfortable. Ya’ll get it? ‘Cause this bottle I’m drinking right out of right here says Southern Comfort. S-o-t-h-e-r-n C-O..uhh..C…uhh…ya’ll know what I mean.

“I guess the news now a days isn’t all bad though. Hell, at least here in Texas we have some of the best athletes in the world. Even them girls can play. I heard that right here in Dallas a girl’s team beat their enemy one-hundred points to zero! Ya, I heard it was a real walloping and that not only did the team that scored zero points lose, they were also retarded. Had dyslexia and all types of learnin’ stuff, read it right there in the paper. Ha, imagine that, retards playin’ basketball. I bet they shoot a lot of threes. That’s funny, I’m gonna have to tell Laura that.

“Welp folks, its been nice havin’ someone to talk to, like I said, so lets do this again real soon. But I gotta get goin’ now, I guess Cheney’s on his way over here with some checks and papers I gotta sign. Something about Scooter Libby and perjury, whatever that’s supposed to mean. Alrighty, don’t let the gate hit cha where the G-O-D split cha. And, oh yeah, I almost forgot, hey McCain, how’s livin’ the dream, you fuckin loser!”

[Phoenix Metro Area] The Great Pussy Depression has finally hit the Phoenix Area. In the last six months Americans have watched in stunned horror as a wave of ‘involuntary celibacy’ swept the nation. Earlier in the year, experts suggested the area would not be hit as hard as other regions, but in fact it seems that supply of pussy is drying up at an alarming rate.

The shortage has affected those rich and poor, like Phoenix resident Willy Billhimer  who hasn’t had ’stank on his hang low’ in nearly eight months.

“I used to be able to find pussy just about any time I wanted! Now it seems like it all just…disappeared,” said Billhimer as he scanned the passing motorists for potential mate. While some are resigned to the fact that they might just have to ‘go without,’ other residents are taking extreme measures. Mikey Eubanks, a local business owner has been importing pussy from other areas of the country. “I just don’t see any other way! Getting pussy in Phoenix seems damn near impossible”.

In Washington, the Capitol has been flooded with emails and phone calls demanding that the government act. White House spokesman John Jeremy assured the public that, “we in Washington feel the effects of this depression just as much as the next guy and we are willing to do whatever it takes to bring pussy back to the citizens of the United States.” Others are not so sure anything will get done as many senators and members of congress have been seen spending much of their time overseas the past couple weeks.

Newly inaugurated President Barack Obama said that since being elected in November he’d been readying a stimulus package that was at least 9 inches and according those familiar with the situation, “looks too big for such a skinny guy.”

Pussy Advocates are demanding the government work with other countries like Russia and the Ukraine to bring the U.S. pussy supply to sustainable levels. The group also demands increases in welfare pussy limits; “Pussy once a week?!?! I can’t live on that! Can’t no one live on that!” said Dwight Johnson, a janitor who has been receiving the government sponsored pussy benefits for a little over three months now.

“We need to lower pussy tariffs!,” said Jon Franz, who we can clearly tell is not poor, because he is clothed from head to toe in Ed Hardy brand douche-bag gear. Franz organized an impromptu protest outside a Nordale bar where in better days, he explained, “I used to be able to show up to the club drenched in Burberry Brit cologne, a tight-fitting TAPOUT shirt, and sequined skinny jeans and the pussy pretty much came right to me. Now, I’m down to high school senior pussy.”

In related news, struggling drug manufacturer Pfizer posted historical losses as demand for their flagship product, Viagra has virtually stopped. The companies stock slid 37% as investor confidence in the pussy hit record lows. Trojan, (-08%) the worlds leading condom manufacturer has been scaling back production in its US facilities, and has launched a bold new advertising campaign touting the alternative uses of latex prophylactics.

Of whether or not the pussy pandemic will spread to the international markets, one can only guess, in the meantime the worlds eyes will be upon us.

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21

Sagittarius NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21
No, you don’t have a chest cold. You have lung cancer.

Capricorn DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19
Hockey Whores are the new Sorority Sluts

Aquarius JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18
You might get dick slapped sometime in the near future, but at least it won’t leave a mark.

Pisces FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20
Be sure not to use honey as lubrication while masturbating. That shit does not come out of pubic hair easily.

Aries MARCH 21 – APRIL 19
The economy may be falling, but your weight isn’t.

Taurus APRIL 20 – MAY 20
Make sure that you focus on the big picture. Even though it is filled with defeat and failure, it is important to be prepared.

Gemini MAY 21 – JUNE 21
The calendar and pull out method NEVER WORKS! Trust me.

Cancer JUNE 22 – JULY 22
Stop acting like you give a fuck about Obama or Gay Rights. You are not a gay black man.

Leo JULY 23 – AUGUST 22
A new love interest is on the horizon for you. Then she will fuck your brother.

Virgo AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22
Britney Spears is set to release her new album on Dec. 2nd. I hear the pictures are great for touching yourself as long as you forget that she was once bald.

Libra SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23
Being a man and wanting to make passionate but gentle love to Brett Favre does not make you gay.

Guest Editorial by Herb Kniefer

Unlike media controlled by haughty liberals, The Truant is committed not only to bringing the reader the best political coverage this election, but also to representing the voters who will be deciding this thing with their stacks of bloody corpses piled high in the streets votes, to raising their voices, to telling their stories. Herb Kniefer, third base coach of the AA Orem Owlz, joins us for the first in a series of columns:

My fellow Americans, we stand at the precipice of electing a second baseman, Barack Hussein Obama, to our nation’s highest office. In four days, if the Poles are correct, the electoral college will pronounce Obama President of the United States. I’m sad to say, except for Hilary Clinton’s memorable upset of Obama in New Hampshire, the Poles are usually correct in these matters. I don’t know why Polish people are so good at predicting elections, as the simple minor league third base/hitting coach of a team which is sitting in third place right now and hasn’t been hitting all that hot to be totally frank with you, all I really know about is a little thing called baseball.

And it is because I know baseball that I know that if this country’s tempestuous, fickle voters do elect Obama, it will be a disaster on a par with the time Jimmy Carter bobbled a line drive against the Soviets in the Astrodome and allowed the tying run to come home, back in ‘79.

I admit it. When I first saw Obama shagging fly balls at a town hall meeting in Skokie, Illinois, I was impressed. How could you not be, watching him gallop around out there, catching every ball that came his way. Later, at batting practice, Obama was cracking singles to left and right field with the methodical certainty of a great hitter.

“This kid is good enough to be President,” I remember thinking. “Now let’s see him hit with power.”

He never did it. I sat back and watched as first baseball’s scouting community, then managers, and then – in droves – fans became infatuated with this light-hitting middle infielder. I’m convinced that all these people who are in love with Obama and think he’s going to take our country to the World Series are being persuaded by his personality. Have they even looked at the numbers on this guy? I mean, for starters, he only slugs like .335, that’s too low to be President! But ask his crazed supporters, who are worse than the fucking Hitler Youth if you ask me, and it’s all about “getting on-base” and “taking lots of pitches.” Listen, take it from someone in baseball: if dragging out an at-bat could get you to the Oval Office, Walter Mondale would’ve gotten there. And we all know what happened to Mondale: struck out looking by big Lee Atwater. Couldn’t figure out how to get a bat on Lee’s screwball.

What really makes be remove my baseball hat and scratch my head in consternation is that people have a chance to vote for a real baseball player in John McCain this election. McCain is 5′7, most of it heart, so he might not have quintessential base-clearing power either, but doggone it, this is a guy they called “Pig-Pen” in the minors ’cause his uniform was always so dirty from sliding on the base-paths. You have got to love the idea of putting a gamer like that in the White House.

Go ahead, join in with the large crowd of baseball scouts and other nay-sayers who said that a short guy who had been crippled by Vietnamese torturers couldn’t play in the Bigs. Those same idiots said McCain was done in the Republican primary when Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee were the front-runners. A funny little thing happened on the way to bury John McCain, though. The little fireplug started cranking doubles and triples and won the damn primary!

More than hitting well in the clutch, McCain made things happen out there in other ways. He was his usual aggressive self on the base-paths, which wears pitchers out a lot more than fouling a couple pitches off, as the gibbering idiots who will be voting for Obama seem to believe. During a five-game series in South Carolina, McCain got Rudy Giuliani in his sights while the former New York mayor was trying to protect the bag. McCain ran right over the larger man, breaking up a double play and physically intimidating Giuliani, who never recovered his confidence with his glove or his smooth swing. In the time it takes McCain to get a base hit and a steal, Obama has barely settled into his aloof batting stance and taken a few balls. That’s no way to govern.

When McCain is done playing baseball, he would make a great manager. He’s that type of leader in the clubhouse. McCain is a great teammate, which is something all leaders are. Watch him stand at the entrance to the dugout and high-five all of his teammates in the field after they get the third out to end the inning. He adds a lot of pepper to the dugout. Guys see how hard he works. They see how he doesn’t think he earned his paycheck from the owner unless his uniform is all covered in grass stains and infield dirt. That type of work ethic rubs off and the next thing you know, everyone is playing enthusiastically and manufacturing runs like the dickens.

Look, when it comes to writing, I’m no Tom Clancy, or even Nixon Dickhouse. If this article was difficult to read, I’m sorry. I’m very clumsy with the English language, like Dick Cheney with a shotgun. But please, think before you vote. We are bogged down in two wars. Our country, already deep in debt, has just written a check to Wall Street for $700 billion. People’s fortunes are crumbling. And not just the superstars and hedge fund managers, I’m talking about the life savings of teachers, policemen, and mid-level infielders like Jeff Kent too! This is no time to entrust the country to a slappy hitter who I doubt will every get more than eight homers in a year, Barack Hussein Obama!

I know as well as you do that what we really need is a Ronald Reagan type of slugger to anchor the middle of our order. But we damn sure can’t afford to elect a guy who won’t even swing his bat. That kind of elitist approach to hitting is not the way to get jacks!

John McCain has built his career in baseball by being a maverick who is not afraid to do anything to win. He’ll steal home. He’ll swing at a pitch that’s out of the zone, just to mess with the pitcher’s head. And he knows that getting caught every so often is the price of stealing bases. John McCain knows that in order to win baseball games, it takes determination, resolve, and sheer guts. It takes a small town background. It certainly doesn’t take mingling with the right people, the way John’s opponent does. That kind of talk, the kind of talking that takes place at elitist country clubs and other places university professors hang out doesn’t get base hits. Straight talk gets base hits. Passion for getting base hits gets base hits.