Being that it was early in the year and the petty cash had not been blown on, well, blow, the staff agreed that there was no better way to spend it than on a sumptuous banquet to raise awareness of the current wreckage and widespread starvation in impoverished Haiti.

“Its an honor,” said acclaimed reporter Lordy Tremain, who was Head Editor in Charge Claire Chennault’s ‘point man’ for organizing the feast. “It’s a real honor to be able to have this meal for all the victims of such a tragedy. When I think of those luckless pagans off in Africa…well, I just can’t think of a better way to show our support.”

The majority of the staff showed up late and already full and/or completely fucked out of their minds and instead of eating opted to get charged with sexual assault by the waitress for actually grabbing at her vagina. As per usual when cooch is involved, Five-tool editor Rick Gatewood pelted the tramp with handfuls of Strassburger paté as she fled.

Shortly before everyone was tossed out of the building by an entire brigade of Logan City Police, Chennault pulled his unregistered handgun on fellow editor Nixon Dickhouse and yelled, “I don’t need a gun from you to bust a shot in your bitch-ass, I got my own gun right here and I’ll shoot you my goddamn-self!” Sources close to the situation said gambling was probably involved and then praised Chennault’s use of humor and leadership in the workplace, calling his conflict resolution skills “unorthodox yet God-like.”

No one ended up getting hurt that night except for that guy who was on his way to work that Tremain killed when he was driving home way over the legal limit. Tremain’s Bentley is reportedly fine and he will probably get off with 30 days in jail and house arrest. Now, it is only Utah’s famed “Three Strikes and You’re Out” legislation on violent sex crimes that is Tremain’s chief concern.

Sadly, most of the food was lost when a minor distraction occurred: Chennault, who had earlier in the week threatened to “shoot Gatewood dead” if he Gatewood parked in his spot again, took offense when Gatewood left five pistols, an AR-15 and a sawed-off pump shotgun with a five-pound slide amongst Chennault’s personal effects with a note saying “You wanna kill me? Then kill me bitch!” This of course resulted in more  gunplay and allowed two of Gatewood’s battle-hardened Pit Bulls to leap onto the table and devour, among other things, seventy pounds of fois gras, eight plates of duck confit and an exquisitely prepared mule deer carcass.

After everyone cheered up by shooting the dogs to death, the assembled gourmands salvaged what they could from the dog-trampled buffet and shoveled it into freezer bags, to mail to Haiti. The editors and their attractive dates then joined hands and led their important clients in an impromptu version of “We Are the World.”  The Truant wishes to stress that all the leftover food was air-mailed to the U.S. embassy located in Haiti, Africa. All the food except for the loaves upon loaves of artisan breads and pastries that were hurled from the balcony then shot by Chennault and a few other avid sportsmen.  You know, for sport.

“But the main thing here is the awareness,” slurred Chennault at the end of the night, covered in gunpowder.  “We believe that our feast and the 13 felonies it engendered, will really help to raise awareness and get people to text their donations to that one number.” None of the banquet guests could actually name the number but were assured that it could learn by watching their televisions.

Tensions between Gatewood and the recently-returned from sabatical Chennault remain high at press time, due to yet another gambling dispute that some are referring to as nothing more than a harmless aftershock.