Thief can’t unload stolen seats

Thief can’t unload stolen seats

A local bicycle seat thief is having one-helluva-time unloading all these bike seats that he has stolen from all over campus including behind the Alpha Chi Omega house because those giant-titted-bitches don't ride their bikes anywhere. Manuel "Manny" Baker who prides himself on making sure every asshole who rides his bike to school had better...
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George W. Bush’s interview with famed journalist Anderson Cooper turns into escalating series of ‘what-if’ scenarios

George W. Bush’s interview with famed journalist Anderson Cooper turns into escalating series of ‘what-if’ scenarios

A much-anticipated square-off on CBS' 60 Minutes between former president George W. Bush and perpetually squinting investigative journalist Anderson Cooper devolved into a series of increasingly absurd 'what-if' questions posed by Cooper. After the pair discussed the great game of golf, clearing brush and bugs, Cooper asked Bush if he still would have invaded Iraq...
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Unconventional Wisdom: It’s a pandemic. A fucking cell phone pandemic

Unconventional Wisdom: It’s a pandemic. A fucking cell phone pandemic

So we're picking up a couple days late here. The news of American Hero Patrick Swayze's death preempted us making fun of Harry Caines, who still writes his petty bitches for the Utah Statesman. We can't help but think Caines' articles aren't appearing online because he knows we're lazy, and it will only...
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Actor and war hero Patrick Swayze dies heroically at age 57

September 15, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall
Actor and war hero Patrick Swayze dies heroically at age 57

As if the memory of the tragic events of 9/11 were not enough to hold September accountable as the cruelest month in American history, last night U.S. citizens and people of the world alike were gifted yet another tragedy to permanently etch on their yearly calendars, as war hero, philanthropist, Oscar winning actor, famed...
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Texas Roadhouse opens joint on 14th north

Texas Roadhouse opens joint on 14th north

LOGAN, Utah – Though usually not sought-after characteristics by employers, being annoying and overly gregarious is suddenly in high demand in northern Utah as the unbearably niggling chain restaurant Texas Roadhouse opens its doors. The Texas Roadhouse franchise is known for its “super-fun server” atmosphere, but what few realize is that it takes an army...
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Straight man fired from job for being gay

September 7, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall
Straight man fired from job for being gay

A man has been fired from Chili's restaurant in Logan for being gay. Due to Utah Governor Gary Herbert recently declaring that it's legal to fire people for being homosexual, Brandon Cockwood does not have a leg to hop around on in court. Making the situation even more interesting is the fact that Cockwood is...
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Long time fuck buddies no longer friends

September 4, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall
Long time fuck buddies no longer friends

Salt Lake City, UT—After a long affair of good sex paired with an autonomous friendship out side of the sack, a once happy duo of first-class “fuck buddies” are no longer friends. Up until last week, Lauren Angels and Drew Drake had been enjoying each others company on and off the sexual court for...
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Unconventional Wisdom: Back for the very first time

With the sun reddening my face and Frisbees whizzing by my head, I found myself standing smack in the middle of the unbridled zaniness that is the Day on the Quad. God it’s WILD, have you ever been? Its pretty nuts, I always put on a condom before I ever go to the Day on...
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The Truant Reacts Pt. 2


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