Actor and war hero Patrick Swayze dies heroically at age 57

September 15, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall
Actor and war hero Patrick Swayze dies heroically at age 57

As if the memory of the tragic events of 9/11 were not enough to hold September accountable as the cruelest month in American history, last night U.S. citizens and people of the world alike were gifted yet another tragedy to permanently etch on their yearly calendars, as war hero, philanthropist, Oscar winning actor, famed...
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Texas Roadhouse opens joint on 14th north

Texas Roadhouse opens joint on 14th north

LOGAN, Utah – Though usually not sought-after characteristics by employers, being annoying and overly gregarious is suddenly in high demand in northern Utah as the unbearably niggling chain restaurant Texas Roadhouse opens its doors. The Texas Roadhouse franchise is known for its “super-fun server” atmosphere, but what few realize is that it takes an army...
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Straight man fired from job for being gay

September 7, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall
Straight man fired from job for being gay

A man has been fired from Chili's restaurant in Logan for being gay. Due to Utah Governor Gary Herbert recently declaring that it's legal to fire people for being homosexual, Brandon Cockwood does not have a leg to hop around on in court. Making the situation even more interesting is the fact that Cockwood is...
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Long time fuck buddies no longer friends

September 4, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall
Long time fuck buddies no longer friends

Salt Lake City, UT—After a long affair of good sex paired with an autonomous friendship out side of the sack, a once happy duo of first-class “fuck buddies” are no longer friends. Up until last week, Lauren Angels and Drew Drake had been enjoying each others company on and off the sexual court for...
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Unconventional Wisdom: Back for the very first time

With the sun reddening my face and Frisbees whizzing by my head, I found myself standing smack in the middle of the unbridled zaniness that is the Day on the Quad. God it’s WILD, have you ever been? Its pretty nuts, I always put on a condom before I ever go to the Day on...
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The Truant Reacts Pt. 2


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The Truant Reacts Pt. 1

August 28, 2009
By Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall

First Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy, and now this… I find it sad yet remarkable that within the same week of a summer fleeting, we lose two great men, both of which will be remembered most for letting their mistress drown in a river after saving themselves from their sinking automobiles. Ted and I made our amends...
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Head Editor in Charge Claire Chennault announces indefinite leave of abscence from ground-breaking magazine

Head Editor in Charge Claire Chennault announces indefinite leave of abscence from ground-breaking magazine

Claire Chennault announced Wednesday afternoon that he is tendering his resignation from the magazine he helped raise from a puppy, citing a strong desire to hunt for treasure. While Chennault did not rule out a possible return to the magazine at some point in the distant future, he said Lordy Tremain would have to...
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Unconventional Wisdom: Baiting Harry Caines

Unconventional Wisdom: Baiting Harry Caines

In an attempt to start a petty feud and because he ruined quizzo, we thought we’d rely on something so lazy, so self serving, so jealous: a FJM style commentary while we read Harry Caines’ latest Andy Rooney impression. Sip on some Haterade, people. To paraphrase The Rolling Stones, please allow me to introduce myself. I’m...
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