College Republicans pushing for good commencement speaker next year

Representatives of the College Republicans and Tea Party at Utah State University are pushing administrators to bring a good commencement speaker in next year, after famed liberal activist Danny Glover wrecked this year’s commencement.

“We are placing utmost pressure upon the administration to give the graduating class of 2011 a commencement speaker who will place his limbs in a configuration we approve of when the national anthem is sung,” said College Republicans president Watney Tolson.

USU Tea Party leaders agreed that the national anthem was “ruined” this year when Glover left his arms hanging by his sides. “It totally disrupted graduation,” Analise Vickers said. “If only someone hiding in the anonymity of the crowd would have been brave enough to shout at Mr. Glover during the presentation of our nation’s flag.”

For students and parents dismayed that Glover’s hand was not placed over his heart during the anthem, it quickly got worse as Glover poured out his drink all over USU Athletic Director Scott Barnes, poked USU President Stan Albrecht in the eyes, and began ravishing the young woman who performed the anthem right there on the dais, while cackling maniacally.

“You fools!” he began his commencement speech. “Now I will assault your small-town sensibilities with liberal propaganda about respect for women, and not shitting all over the planet!”

The crowd sat in stunned silence as the latter-day Himmler bombarded them for roughly 35 minutes, masturbating furiously the entire time.

“That,” said Albrecht, “I found impressive, considering he had just raped a vocal performance major. Danny Glover has incredible staying power.”

After the liberal mindwashing was over, the crowd exited with its collective head bowed, Glover’s taunts still ringing in their ears.

“I’m angry that no one had the courage to boo our university’s commencement speaker,” said Alaina Whitney, who graduated from the college of education. “Especially when he asked us for compassion for people living in unimaginable poverty, I really wish someone would have had the balls to boo him then. It’s my graduation, I don’t want to hear that.”

Tolson and Vickers may be preaching to the choir in requesting a less offensive commencement speaker next year. Albrecht stated he is already searching high and low for “a real intellectual piece of shit, with a mind so narrow it could fit through a keyhole.”

“It really got me when he pretended to care about family values,” Tolson fumed. “As if liberals love their mothers too.”

Vickers has drawn up a preliminary litmus test for future commencement speakers she hopes will help guide the selection process.

“Basically we want to hear platitudes. Platitudes about the constitution, then we want to be told we’re great because of the country we were born in. As a closer, future commencement speakers should not be afraid to hurl a little hate at ‘our enemies,’” Vickers said. “If they want, us Tea Partiers could just write the speech for them, and then we could just have a different wholesome celebrity deliver it every year.”

Tags: College Republicans, Danny Glover, liberal mindwashing, liberal propoganda, national anthem, Scott Barnes, Stan Albrecht, Tea Party, USU commencement

This entry was posted on May 11, 2010 at 11:57 pm and is filed under Utah State News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.