Truant to ban wearing a burqa in office, mostly because God isn’t real
In a move that has the Muslim community up in arms, Claire Chennault, Head Editor in Charge, of the Oscar-nominated internet news magazine, The Truant, has announced that by the end of the month burqas will be banned in and around the office, mostly because god is not real. Chennault is a devout Catholic.
The announcement, much like the one proposed in France last year, comes on the heels of a string of problems (other than just believing in god), all of which have involved members of the news staff wearing burqas and headscarves while at work.
“I just can’t take it any more,” said a noticeably irritated Chennault. “I’ve got [Nixion] Dickhouse coming in late every goddamn day, but when I approach him about it at his desk, he reminds me that there are dozens of people who came to work that day in head-to-toe burqas and that I’m being racist. Racist! Islam isn’t a fucking race!”
“And [Lordy] Tremain,” continued Chennault, now covered in a heavy sweat while pounding his coffee mug on his desk, “don’t even get me started on Tremain! I can’t even tell if it’s him who is coming to work anymore! All I see is someone in a full fucking dress and face mask clocking in and heading in to the steam room. Honestly it could be fucking anyone. I wouldn’t put it past the barely-not-unemployed son of a bitch to pay one of his old homeless friends to put on that fucking outfit and clock in for him. Jesus fucking Christ!”
In the company newsletter that Chennault writes and decorates with stickers on a bi-weekly basis, Chennault explained that the problems in the office are nearly all stemming from the burqas, so it only makes sense that the burqas have to go.
“It’s as simple as that,” Chennault wrote in the news letter. “And to those employees who say they would ‘feel naked’ without it, too fucking bad. No one seems to have a problem with taking off their clothes for Casual Sex Friday, so I can see no real difference. Not to mention that as a news organization we are expected to be educated and based in reality, so I can not allow anyone to stoop to the point of pretending to believe in god just so they can wear a fucking dress to work.”
Inside sources say that what may have sparked the initial lashing out at Muslim culture around the office was when an eighteen year-old intern, who was hired by Lordy Tremain, for her “organizational skills and ass like an eighteen year-old intern” converted to Islam and started to cover up what she was good at.
“I really couldn’t communicate with her anymore,” said Tremain, or whoever it was faintly smelling of Everclear behind a full Muslim face mask. “I hope she doesn’t suicide-bomb anything before next Friday; I want one more crack at that before we fire her.”
As of press time there was no comment from Allah the Goat Herder but sources say that Salman Rushdie thinks we’re next.