Akio Toyoda apologizes for recalls, performs seppuku
Ed.–Today’s article was written by a major, major Utah celebrity. A celebrity so big, so large, so important, that we can’t even tell you who it is. But trust us when we say, you would fall out of your chair and probably sustain minor brain trauma if we actually told you.
No, not Deron Williams.
No, not Paul Millsap either.
No, look, it’s not a Jazz player. Not quite that big of a celebrity.
How big? Look, BIG, okay? At least as big as Marie Osmond’s dead teenage son. Maybe someday if you all are good and click on our ads, we will tell you who our super-secret celebrity contributor is, and when that day comes, you’ll be stunned. Anyhow, on with the article:
In what some are calling a brilliant customer relations scheme to repair Toyota’s tainted image, Akio Toyoda, president of Toyota MotorCorp., offered a tearful apology to millions of Americans affected by the defects in several of the company’s vehicles. Toyoda agreed to testify in front of congress to address concerns over safety issues, and whether the millions of recalls are properly repairing the glitch.
“Our goal is to have safe vehicles for our customers, at a modest profit for ourselves, of course,” Toyoda said in opening remarks. “Clearly, our growth may have diluted our commitment to safety and quality. And for that, I am truly sorry. I did, however, make a fuck of a lot of money last year. I mean, seriously. You should see the ranch I bought in Montana.”
Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) confirmed that Toyoda’s ranch is off the chain.
“I just got back from there, Karl Malone and I shot a brace of quail and a few dozen elk, noble creatures,” Hatch said. “But yeah, Toyoda-san’s ranch is the shit.”
Toyoda had, at first, said he would not testify before congress, but his sentiment changed after he was nearly hit in a crosswalk on his way back to the hotel by an out-of-control Camry. Witnesses said he jumped “a good five feet or so up in the air” as the Camry careened through the intersection, crashing into a nearby bakery. When asked if the incident had anything to do with his decision to testify before congress, he replied, “Ah, the 2010 Camry with the fuel-efficient 4-cylinder engine. One of our best models. Saved us a bundle when we installed a much smaller power steering pressure hose than we should have used. Increased profits on the Camry alone were nearly $600,000 dollars, based on the shorter hose alone.”
After congress and members of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration grilled Toyoda for several hours over a memo that boasted a savings of over $1 million for a limited recall over what Toyota engineers call “a stupid little brake problem,” Toyoda began to cry and requested a recess in the hearings.
When the session resumed, Toyoda appeared in the traditional seppuku robes once worn by samurai. “I have brought disgrace upon my grandfather’s company,” he said. With Yoshimi Inaba, president of Toyota Motors North America serving as his kaishakunin, Toyota sat on special moisture-repelling mats with his wakizishi pointed at him. “To the customers of Toyota in America and in the rest of the world, I am very sorry. Forgiveness, please.” He then plunged the wakizishi into his abdomen, deftly slicing his belly open in a swift left-to-rightcut. As his bowels spilled out onto the floor, Inaba grabbed Toyoda’s katana and finalized the ritual with dakikubi, nearly decapitating the repentant Toyoda.
Republican members of congress questioned the sincerity of Toyoda’s apology and ensuing
seppuku, saying, “How can we be sure the little fucker is really sorry?” Others blamed the Obama administration for the lack of quality in Toyota’s products. “This is just another example of Obama’s failures,” said Hatch.
Local reaction to the ritualistic suicide on the floor of congress was mixed. Smithfield, Utah resident Blaine Riley said, “People shouldn’t a’been buyin’ that Jap junk in the first place. What the fuck do you expect from shit not made right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A.” He then got into his Dodge Ram pickup truck that was assembled at a plant in Mexico and drove to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a set of wrenches that were forged in China.
Chevrolet and Ford are reacting quickly to capture the surge in patriotism caused by the Toyota safety issues. In the summer of 2010, Chevrolet plans to launch a compact Hybrid minivan called the Little Boy. Ford Motor Company also unveiled plans to launch a new full-ton pickup truck, the F-350 Fat Man. A brand new Chrysler sport-sedan is set to debut in early 2011. An inside source confirmed that the working name of this new sedan will be the Enola Gay. It is expected to roll out with Chrysler’s new slogan of “Our Cars Won’t Surge Out Of Control And Kill Your Family In A Violent Crash.”
Good article. I’ve favorited this website so I can follow your update. But who wrote this and what the fuck is a seppuku?
Aw, this was a really quality post. In theory I’d like to write like this too – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and never seem to get something done.