Local drunk driver can’t quite make it home
Early this morning local drunk driver Andrew Duke attempted to drive himself home while intoxicated from a friend’s house after a night of hard drinking, but had to pull over after a few miles because he was too drunk to drive.
“Yeah, I don’t know what the problem was,” said Duke, regarding his failed drunk-drive home. “I was just too drunk to do it, or something, and had to pull over and walk the rest of the way. I was under-dressed for the weather, [by the] time I got home I was fuckin’ frozen.”
Duke said that he felt a bit disappointed in himself the next day when he had to wake up his roommate to give him a ride to the abandoned vehicle. “It was a shitty thing to do to my roommie. He smokes a lot of pot and needs his rest, but I had to get to work and needed a lift to my car. That will be the last time I half-ass anything. What am I, eighteen again? It’s fucking embarrassing.”
According to Rick Gatewood, The Truant’s 5-tool Editor and fellow patron at the party, Duke had been drinking and then ate some sort of a pill that made him run into walls and get a little mouthy before deciding he was okay to drive himself home in his ’01 Yukon.
“Duke couldn’t ackrite,” said Gatewood, “he kept stealing everyone’s cell phones and texting ‘YELE’ to 59009 to donate 10 bones to the Haiti relief fund. What a dick, I don’t even like Haitians.”
Once the party died down Duke locked himself in the bathroom and used the host’s flat iron to straighten all of his pubic hair. When he finally emerged, he began showing partygoers his wedding tackle, announcing,”it looks like the girl from The Ring is eating a polish sausage. Am I right !?”
“He was slippin’ and knocking shit over,” 5-tool continued. “I wasn’t exactly heartbroken when he tried to tell us that he was going to drive home. I suppose that in retrospect he could have killed someone on the way, but the only people that are driving around at that hour are other drunks and, well, I guess people who work late, so, yeah, I probably should have stopped him. Guy was acting like a real ass though.”
/additional reporting and drunk driving by Nixon Dickhouse.