Unconventional Wisdom: See ya never

Ed Note, Caines penned his last column for The Utah Statesman on Monday. Man, Fuck that guy.

There is a line from a song by the rock group Night Ranger I love that simply states, “I was never much good at goodbye.” So true.

True that you aren’t good at goodbye? It’s amazing that Night Ranger knows you so well. It’s almost like that song was written for you. But then it would have been called, Goodbye and thanks for all the varicose veins.

I have the rather unique disposition of being sentimental while also emotionally detached from the world around me.

Yes, and we’re some humble motherfuckers with big-ass dicks.

An argument could be made that this is a pure form of narcissism.

It still amazes us a man with so little going for him can feel superior to those with bright futures.

It has always been better for me to feel a tinge of loss while leaving town at 4 a.m. then to have a big hugfest as sad Irish ditties play, reminding us that the road we travel might bring us back together again someday. I hate goodbyes.

Most people that know you, Caines, hate hellos.

As such, this is my last column.

So. To bring us back up to speed, you hate goodbyes with such fervor that you are writing an entire column in order to say goodbye. You are correct, you are horrible at goodbyes and this article proves it.

I am scheduled to graduate next week. And while I will not leave Logan until sometime in 2010 – the earlier the better –

Caines doesn’t move that fast.

my bully pulpit will be taken from me and given to another old person who will opine on the awkwardness of gaining an education among those who have no idea what a rotary phone is.

Dealer’s Choice:(choose one)

1. Better than not knowing what pussy feels like.
2. Because columns written by old people about the awkwardness of etc. etc. are in such demand? FEED OUR DEMAND FOR SHITTY COLUMNS WRITTEN BY GROUCHY FUCKING LOSERS, UTAH STATESMAN.

I am mostly proud of my columns.

Your self-congratulatory columns impressed…yourself? Surprise, surprise.

I mixed in a cynical view of my irrelevant life with what I considered poignant and justified jabs at some of the things that are wrong with my beloved university. I have never understood why people in Utah cannot deal with criticism.

Why don’t they take a cue from Harry Caines, who bathes in criticism on a nightly basis? And yet still refuses to read criticism of his own articles.

Being a contrarian,

$10 word for hater.

I have been compelled to purposely insult people just to prove that it not only can happen, but that I cannot be arrested for doing so. Rudeness may be a vice but it is a necessary vice.

You’ve never been compelled to insult people with recourse. Congratulations on proving to the world that you can talk shit about people waiting in line for free ice cream without being hauled off by the Gestapo.

I am pleased that I got a chance to call out many of the people in power

Ice cream.

that are inept at their jobs. The main ones among them: the president of this university, the provost, and the dean of HASS – aka, the Three Stooges.

Let me assure you that they are very concerned about being “dissed” by a heavyweight like Harry Caines!

Utah State University is a superior educational experience.

Despite the aforementioned President, Provost and the Dean of HASS, aka the “Three Stooges.”

These three have done their worst to turn this fantastic school into the JetBlue of state colleges. The cutting of services, the poor upkeep of the school, the forced resignations and retirement of key faculty and staff and the dismantling and elimination of classes and majors have lowered morale on this campus to unacceptable depths.

Oh my god, an upstanding Republican like Caines is against cutting wasteful spending from the state budget?

If these people cannot sustain the high standards that this university should embody, then they should all resign in disgrace.

Isn’t being criticized in a column in a student newspaper disgrace enough?

One regret I have is that I did not take the time to address our sports teams more than I did. I want every one of our teams to win. I also want every one of our teams to set standards of sportsmanship and to never back down from a challenge. I do not see that with the most prolific of our teams: men’s basketball. While we revel in beating teams like Idaho State and Southern Utah, the reality is these teams should get killed on the court. They are not any good and almost never are. We really do not accomplish anything except beating weaklings. That does not make us a winner; it makes us a bully. Good teams will schedule us at their place. Stew Morrill should not worry about his 20-win cash bonus and schedule tougher games. Do not give me the argument that Stew will only schedule home and home series. No one wants to come to Logan. They are not scared to come here; they just don’t want to. Perhaps if we scheduled better teams on the road we could make the NCAA tournament as a higher seeded team and have the chance to make it to the second weekend, which we have never done under Stew.

[Ed Note.] Caines’ articles usually show a simplicity and lack of guile. Articles which are like a teenager’s naive foolishness. Except that, you know, they come from a middle-aged curmudgeon. We’re sorry we took the bait, but we had to address this. Please allow us to serious for a moment.

THE MOST SERIOUS THING YOU WILL EVER READ IN THE TRUANT.

Leave it to Harry Caines to find something wrong with the sports program that has given students more joy than a billion Christmases under Stew Morrill. This is the guy who bitched because the serving of free ice cream wasn’t large enough. The man who complained about the free sandwich from Jimmy John’s that Tyler Riggs bought for him.

“Can’t complain about a free lunch, dude,” Riggs said he said to Caines. Caines’ retort: “There’s not enough meat.”

Sorry for that digression. Now allow us to fall all over ourselves apologizing for Stew Morrill for not playing Kansas and North Carolina on the road every year. What a dick, we barely even enjoyed stomping BYU’s guts out in basketball this year, we were so distraught that the Aggies won’t be invading Rupp or Cameron Indoor this or any other year.

Consider that we moved up to the WAC two years ago, where teams spent an average of $7.5 million more on their Athletic Departments than the Big West Conference (Utah State’s previous conference). Yet you say we do not seek out higher competition.

Caines, you miserable fucking relic, you are overthinking this one. Going to the sweet 16 is not our birthright. Making the NCAA tournament isn’t either, but we’ve gone dancing six times this decade, and twice in the 90s. Yeah, you don’t know shit about Kevin Rice or Marcus Saxon, do you Caines?

Go look up the respective athletics budgets of USU and the overrated, over-hyped gongshow of a team from down south that the Aggies ran through Wednesday night. You will find that, if dollars=wins, the Cougars should have crushed the Morrillmen by 40 or more. They didn’t, because we have a great fucking coach who has dominated two mid-major conferences while PRIMARILY RECRUITING FROM SOUTHERN IDAHO AND NORTHERN UTAH. Do you think these are hotbeds of basketball talent? Jesus Christ, you are a stupid, whiny bitch.

The irony of Caines’ hot air is, if coach Morrill ever were to listen to his stupid overfed opinion, and did make it a habit to accept unfair 2-for-1 series from big-conference, big-name programs, (because it goes without saying that we should have to travel twice for the privilege of playing them) in all likelihood, USU would lose quite a few of those games. And Caines would INSTANTLY FORGET everything he said, and WITHIN SECONDS would be calling for a new, winning coach. Because Caines beats Uconn with USU on Playstation all the time, with the difficulty set to ‘moderate’ and the fouls turned way down. Now back to regularly scheduled Caines bashing….

My fellow Aggies who worship Stew as some Americans do Barack Obama – the comparison is just – should be ashamed to chant slogans at teams who should lose by 30 points. You should be embarrassed with yourselves.

You embarrass yourself sir!

If any advice I have given you should be remembered, it is that the college experience is not only relatively easy, but that we should embrace the intellectual snobbery that comes with it.

Intellectual snobbery from an asshole who made up his own major. Original.

Writing essays and studying for tests on some French writer you abhor is really not that tough. Digging ditches is tough. Making cheeseburgers at noon on a Monday in a fast-food restaurant is arduous and exhausting.

CAINES WANT CHEESEBURGER.

Working in the children’s department of a megastore is beyond my comprehension of tolerance.

Add this to Caines’ many skills. He sees his own future.

Every single one of you, despite whatever personal calamities are presently befalling you, is privileged to be a college student. Own it. If any of you care, I like English majors quite a bit. I picked on them in this column because they are very self-aware and have a great sense of humor.

Caines knows no English majors personally, because as we’ve stated He can’t be subject to criticism. Although he hypocritically rails against such people.

I also, in spite of my reputation, like Mormons. What I do not like is when some Mormons think that because their great-grandfather planted the first alfalfa field in Cache Valley, they somehow have a Gold Club membership to make the laws of this state suited to their religious ideology. That is called a theocracy. Iran has one. I would like to think Utah is better than Iran.

People should only feel self-important in ways Caines deems valid: being against ice cream, hating english majors and putting music in the wrong place at day on the quad.

One wonderful thing about the Mormons is that they know how to say goodbye. They have embraced the beautiful hymn “God be With You Until We Meet Again” and made it their own. Given some of my abrasive comments in this and other columns, most of you probably would rather me hear from Motley Crue, who once sung, “Don’t go away mad, just go away.”

Another timely 80’s hair band reference.

Regardless of the method in which we part, or whether you are very pleased to see me go, allow me to say that writing this column has been a great joy to me. And I want to thank all of you for putting up with me these past few months.

Most people only read your peice of shit column because The Truant has a couple beers, makes fun of your tired, johnny-come-lately, highfalutin tripe and writes jokes at your expense.

One final thought I will leave you with. It is the most true and sincere thing I have ever wrote to you in this column. I am proud to be an Aggie.

But he can’t name one reason why.

And I will be an Aggie until the day I die.

Over/Under  on Caines’ death = 2.5 years.

Harry Caines, from Philadelphia, is graduating USU with a degree in interdisciplinary studies this semester. Parting thoughts for Harry can be shared at www.aggietownsquare.com.

Okay, it’s olive branch time. We have had a lot of fun taking cheap shots at Harry Caines this semester, and our readers have had a lot of fun reading about it. Nothing we’ve ever written has gotten the response that the FJM-style Unconventional Wisdom columns did. And so we’re thankful and grateful to Caines. And in that spirit of gratitude, and also because Caines claims that he loves being criticized, we have an offer: One time only, we will permit Caines to write a column for The Truant. Not valid with any other offer, you fat bitch.

Lots of love, sincerely.

TheTruant.com

Tags: FJM style, harry caines, olive branches, Unconventional Wisdom, Utah Statesman

This entry was posted on December 3, 2009 at 6:26 pm and is filed under Special, Utah State News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.