Truant introduces sex-trade trading cards to fund annual office Christmas party
In an effort to save the world-renowned Truant Christmas party from being canceled due to “misappropriated funds” and Rick Gatewood’s crazy weed habit, the Emmy award-winning television news magazine has decided to raise the funds needed to carry on the tradition by breaking in to the trading card market just in time for the holidays. What sets The Truant’s trading cards apart from the countless other sports and gaming
cards on the market is that they will feature workers from the sex-trade industry from around the world.
“It has a nice ring to it,” said Truant writer and Benevolent Dictator for Life, Nixon Dickhouse. “Sex-trade trading cards. The kids are going to eat it up. Plus, they will get to know what people from Russia, Thailand, and Europe’s Eastern Bloc look like.”
Dickhouse, who is no stranger to enjoying the benefits of the sex trade, continued by explaining that this line of cards will be like no other line of sport cards on the market. With the sex-trade trading cards it’s not the rookie cards that will be coveted and worth top dollar, but because women sold in to sex-slavery tend to die at such a tender age, it will be the cards of the veteran sex-slaves that are worth all the money. You know, the real workhorses of the industry.
When asked if they thought that exploiting the exploited to make money for a Christmas party was in poor taste, staff writer Lordy Tremain, who has become well-versed in dealing with negative publicity since he broke the story last week about Rudolf’s red nose and how it was really just covered in menstrual blood, said, “Only? Only a Christmas party? Jesus Christ. I hate the fucking liberal media, listen, not only is The Truant’s Christmas party second only to P. Diddy’s annual White Party, we actually use the sex-trade to fuel the majority of the holiday celebration. So, in turn by selling sex-trade trading cards, we are giving back to an industry that not only do we say we support, we really do, and we have the photos to prove it on our pay site.”
The cards will be traditional trading card size and feature a color photograph of the sex-worker on the front along with his or her (mostly her) information on the back. The staff has promised only tasteful pictures, because Wal-Mart refuses to sell smut.
“The cards will look real nice,” said staff writer Rick Gatewood. “A hot pic on the front that would make a father proud to watch his son jerk off to, and on the back we will catalogue everything from country or tribe of origin, to known viruses, estimated number of tricks turned, separate rankings for breast, genital, and ass quality, whether or not they bruise easily, and then an overall score. We were toying with the idea of printing the worker’s favorite position on the back of the card, but then remembered that a sex-slave really doesn’t have a choice so we scrapped that idea. Saving ink and going green, that’s us.”
The Truant said the cards will be on the market by early next week for $8.95 a pack and as a tip of the hat to the olden days, the packs of cards will come with a piece of condom-flavored chewing gum.
Hell ya, can’t get gonorrhea from playing cards. not counting that one time with Charzaard. my junk burned for weeks
you misspelled workwhorses. other than that, fuck you.
I actually never used one, but I remember Claire Chennault telling me once that they taste a little bit like going to the dentist and always remind him of sucking dick. The whole time, I’m thinking, “Who the fuck is your dentist?”
So what do condoms taste like anyway?
You know they are already doing this down in Vegas, but the hispanics hand them out for free along the strip.
And if you are going to go old school with the chewing gum, then it has to be rock-hard and broken in a dozen pieces when the kid opens the pack. BTW – which brand of condom is the gum going to taste like? I ask for a friend…