Rudolf clears up cause of red nose, saying it was only a result of ill-timed oral sex
NORTH POLE—After years of being heralded as Santa’s rags-to-riches reindeer and leader of the Christmas sleigh, Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has finally come forward to say that there is nothing magical about his red nose, and that he only got if from going down on a female reindeer when she was menstruating.
“I feel like such a fake, such a goddamn phony,” said Rudolf at a press conference that he organized with the media yesterday. “I felt left out when the other reindeer played their reindeer games, so I lied. I lied about my red nose to try and make people accept me. I suppose I wanted to be remembered as the greatest and best, but now my legacy will only fade away like an old stain on old sheets.”
Rudolf tearfully told his story to a crowd of reporters which hailed from every corner of the globe, except for the corners that harbor Muslims and Jewses (because, well, they believe in fake shit too, but not in the fun fake shit). In between streams of tears that smeared the red from his nose down to the white and matted fur on his neck, it was clear that this young buck’s remorse was genuine and heartfelt.
“I knew I had reindeer games early on that fateful Saturday morning,” said Rudolf of the day he got his red nose, “but I spent the night with a few of the elves who had decided to get into a bottle of peppermint schnapps, knowing that hung-over or not, I didn’t stand a chance to get on the team. Well, as the night moved on, the pole-party got a little wild and I ran into an old fawn of mine who I hadn’t seen in a while. She had been drinking Jågermeister, which I suppose is kind of ironic, and she was way fucked up friendly. After a little while I knew it was time to leave, ‘cause Mrs. Clause was acting like a real bitch and all of the 40-lb elves were drunk as fuck and talking about how Legolas was a pussy. My fawn and I slipped off to my den, because that’s where reindeer live, in dens, and even though she told me not to, I went down on her so hard, thus resulting in my red nose and my lie the next day, and, well, let the children’s songs ensue. If you think about it, those songs are perverted, and so are the kids.”
Rudolf said that though he doesn’t want to be taken off the record books as one of Santa’s greatest reindeer, he realizes that there may be a asterisk by his name from here on out.
“Ever since Santa embraced me as his chosen one, I’ve wanted to tell someone about my lie,” said Rudolf, “but my only friend on the reindeer team was Prancer, who, as his name clearly states, is a fag and would never understand the need to go down on a woman while she is bleeding from her special, special gift. I’ve just felt so alone…”
Though there has been no official comment from Mr. Clause, Christmas is expected to carry on as per usual, with everyone’s favorite drunk uncle tipping over the Christmas tree then trying getting blood on his nose later that night to make up for it.
As far as Rudolf’s professional career in the North Pole goes, it’s still anyone’s guess. But one thing is for sure: He will be the only reindeer to go down in history for going down on reindeer.
If I had a dollar for every time that has happened for me…