Knee injury to keep Christ out for rest of holiday season

As told to Lordy Tremain, Reichsmarschall by Prescot Jason, Citizen in the Field and Ascot Enthusiast

In the wake of what many consider the fall of the decade, it has been announced that famed magician Jesus Christ will be forced to sit out the remainder of the holiday season due to a knee injury sustained while practicing a motorcycle stunt. Rumors have been circulating regarding the fall since it was reported by TMZ, but only now has the severity of it been confirmed by the Vatican. Christ himself has not been available for comment and with the exception of this week’s accident, has not been seen since Thanksgiving, his longest vacation from the public eye since he let the holocaust happen.

The Christ was working on a stunt to be performed this New Year’s Eve live on ESPN, which would pair Christ’s traditional sleight-of-hand illusions that once spawned his mystical celebrity with the more popular spectacle of sport stunt riding. The trick being rehearsed was in tandem with deaf and blind English stunt man Graham “G-force” Hicks who would be piloting the motorcycle at over 30 mph. G-force was steering with only his sightless wrists and fingers while Christ tapped out a Morse Code instruction on Mr. Hicks navel and awkwardly straddled him from behind, like a barefooted homo.

The crash occured as the couple was approaching a set of stunt-stairs which G-force accidentally side-swiped and threw the Lord from the bike, leaving the Son of Man with a dislocated patella, and torn ACL, PCL, and MCL in his right knee. The meridian of time also aggravated a previous tear to his abdomen and tallied a few more stitches on his now weathered brow. G-force escaped with only a few bruises after punctuating the failed stunt by flipping his bike on a parked car at the base of the stairs. In theory the stunt was to end with the messiah switching places with Hicks in mid-air and simultaneously purging the retarded sight and sound Siamese demon from Hicks’ worthless body. Hicks, always the fighter, managed to finger-spell from the pavement that he was now able to see, but was still rendered speechless by the compassion of Christ.

Unfortunately INRI’s much-anticipated return to storytelling and magical theatre isn’t the only event that will be affected due to this week’s crash. The injury places a cloud of uncertainty around Christ’s annual birthday blowout that he and dizygotic twin/canonized Saint Nicholas of Myra host jointly every December 25^th at the Hotel Ivy in downtown San Diego. Instead of being the usual ‘life of the party,’ Christ will most likely be restricted to a straight leg brace and 4 to 6 hours of daily CPM treatment in his Southern California apartment.  The Chief Shepherd will probably opt for an expensive homograft treatment to mend his torn ligaments, which will delay his surgery into late spring, as motorcycle casualties increase with rising temperatures and a cadaver equal to Christ’s height and weight will be available to harvest the expensive allograft tissue. Doctors often refer to the procedure as a Reverse Sacrament Operation. So for now the Morning Star will be upgraded to morning MVP as he relearns shitting, showering, and dressing himself on one leg.

Thomas “The Bull” Monson, president of Jesus’ official international fan club and leader of the Mormon church, made a statement this morning disclosing his great grief and support for the Son of God and also dispelling the rumor that Christ was romantically linked to Tiger Woods.

“Jesus Christ is not and has never been involved with Tiger woods,” said Monson, flanked by high-ranking LDS apostles including Boyd “Fatso” Packer, Dallin “Sonny” Oakes, Jeffrey “Nerves” Holland and the newly-promoted Dieter “Panzerdivision” Uchtdorf. “Tiger is a lucky man, but he never got lucky with the Savior, who we mormons rank second in importance to Joseph Smith.”

It is unknown whether the Lord of Hosts will be ready to return for next holiday season, but most of the homeless-sapiens’ fans remain optimistic and are praying for a happy birthday and Godspeed on his recovery.

Tags: finger-spell, Graham "G-Force" Hicks, INRI, Jesus Christ, magical theater, on one leg, P. Jason Prescott, Santa and Jesus were born on the same day, siamese deamon that makes you deaf and blind, The Lord of Hosts, Thomas 'The Bull' Monson, Tiger Woods, TMZ love Jesus

This entry was posted on December 23, 2009 at 11:26 am and is filed under Utah State News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.