Chris Henry cut from Dickhouse’s Fantasy Football Team
PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICES OF THE TRUANT
In the worst news since Cincinnati Bengal’s wide receiver Chris Henry actually died, Truant’s Benevolent Dictator for Life, Nixon Dickhouse was forced to cut said dead ball catcher from his fantasy football team.
With the fantasy semifinals looming this Sunday, where Dickhouse will be playing Intern Ryan ‘Scrappy’ Larsen’s fantasy team. (who despite its 8-4 record, puts up tons of points and he has DeSean Jackson, the Philly Receiver who is blowin’ the fuck up), the cut had to be made to ensure the opposition will be beaten in a completely meaningless game that matters to nobody but lonely football-obsessed losers. 
“I don’t have roster spots to carry dead people,” said Dickhouse. “In a perfect world, I’d carry him on the roster and win the championship in his honor. But at the end of the day, this is a business, a fantasy football business.”
Dickhouse has already filled the vacancy by picking up Kansas City running back Jammal Charles who became the starter when Larry Johnson spoke the truth.
Coach and General Manager Dickhouse held a press conference at the offices of the Truant where he further addressed the issue, saying, “Telling the guys that Henry had fallen to his death out of the back of a pick-up truck that his wife was driving, was the probably the toughest thing I’ve had to do all season. I couldn’t even end the speech with my favorite eulogy line about him dying a hero, because really he was just an ex-con who died in a domestic dispute; there’s noting heroic about that. I’m thinking about pretending to release commemorative t-shirts to sell in his honor at my fantasy stadium to try and make some money off of this. The only silver-lining is that he still has more value than Tony Romo in my keeper-league.”
Upon hearing the news of the cut, coach of the Bengals, Marvin Lewis only said, “Too soon. Christ, Dickhouse. It’s too soon. What the fuck is wrong with you? He has kids and a family you heartless piece-of-shit.”
Claire Chennault, The Truant’s M.I.A. Head Editor in Charge made a rare press release regarding the matter, saying only, “I told you bitches can’t drive.”
In other equally unimportant news, China is setting pace to take over the world, America is escalating an un-winnable war in Afghanistan, global warming is going to kill us all, and after coppin’ a fly new mink Lordy Tremain’s fur game is at an all-time high.
nixon is brilliant
You are sick Nixon Dickhouse!
I had a comment about the parallels of chris henry and chris brown but Marvin Lewis is right, maybe I should give it another day. How many days does it take a family to grieve? three? or is that getting to the center of a tootsie pop?