George W. Bush declares “Mission Accomplished” in Afghanistan
On the heels of the deadliest month for US troops in the 8 year war in Afghanistan, former President George W. Bush officially declared that Operation Afghani Freedom is over, while standing under a giant banner that Dick Cheney hung for him reading “Mission Accomplished”.
The declaration was made from the dick deck of a small houseboat which Bush had rented and launched on a reservoir near his Texas home.
Dressed in his old flight suit and holding a white helmet under his arm, Bush dismounted out of a pretend fighter jet and waved to a crowd of supporters that weren’t really there, before beginning a speech which he, or someone else who uses crayons, wrote on what appeared to be a paper crown from Burger King.
“My fellow Americans,” Bush began, “The war in Afghanistan is over, and the tyrant that ruled that country for hundreds of years has fallen. We, through a coalition of the willing and under great leadership from the pentagon and the brave firefighters from 9/11, have taken down a regime of freedom-hating punjabs and made the Middle East liberated once again.
“Right now over half of some of the people in al Qaeda are dead or captured, or are alive somewhere in Syria or maybe in Pakistan or Afghanistan, and that makes me proud to be your commander in chief.
“Our victory in the Middle East echoes many of the great victories that America has been behind since the beginning of time. When Columbus fought off the Indians or when a band of Jews led by Brad Pitt infiltrated Nazi Germany and killed Hitler in a movie theater [looking around with a tear in his eye, then at his helmet still under his arm] these were all great American victories…”
Bush’s remarks echoed that of May 1st of 2003 when he declared that the war in Iraq was over in a speech he gave from the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. The speech received much criticism considering the war in Iraq was not over then, nor it is today and that on top of the fact that the United States never officially declared war on Iraq at all.
No such back-lash is expected on Bush’s speech regarding Afghanistan, being that the former president has been looked upon with pity as of late because his wife is getting all of the good publicity spots dedicating libraries (probably because he can’t fucking read), and he hasn’t heard back on any his applications to be a spokes person for either the Internet, Food, or the county of Canada, saying, “Haven’t heard nothin’ yet, but I have my fingers crossed for food.”
The time Bush’s speech had ended, it had become punctuated by regular and racial slurs and the BK crown was now on top of his helmet which was now backwards and on his head. Dick Cheney, who had been skeet shooting off the back of the houseboat helped former President Bush back to the imaginary fighter jet that he flew in on and gave him a warm pat on the back.
Cheney was then heard asking Bush if he liked flying the aircraft that he pretended to come in on, to which Bush responded, “Of course I liked it, I was the one that made it all up.”