Bottomless Coffee opens its doors in Salt Lake, patrons confused and aghast

SALT LAKE—Last week a coffee shop opened near ninth and ninth touting “bottomless coffee,” a claim that seems to have some patrons confused and offended.  The misunderstanding being that the word “bottomless” in the café’s name does not connote that patrons may drink an unlimited amount of coffee for one price, but that the baristas working in the shop do not wear pants.

“I could not believe it,” said Sandy Pollick, a Salt Lake resident who visited Bottomless Coffee with her six year-old son.  “I went in with my boy to get a coffee for myself and juice for him, and ended up having to explain to him how women urinate.  Every where I looked, just pussy, everywhere.”

The exterior of the coffee shop exudes a clean an cozy feel, and has only recently become tarnished by a handful of picketers brandishing signs saying, “The only ‘C-word’ I want with my coffee is ‘Cream,’ and “Fuck this place, I want my husband back.”

The owner of the coffee shop, Rusty Longpanther, said that he is a little surprised about the backlash and says he is nothing more than a business man with a  dream, and that dream, he says, is “good coffee, and pussy, just pussy, everywhere.”

“I love the human body and I love coffee,” said Longpanther.  “So I thought to myself, why not combine my two passions and have a coffee shop where you can have a cup of quality, fair trade, shade grown coffee and admire the human form.  Just pussy, everywhere.  And even though I don’t have any men currently working at the café, I would have no problem with hiring one with the right qualifications.  Just penis, everywhere.”

Longpanther says that he feels that people don’t quite understand what his coffee shop brings to the table and that he is being unfairly marked as a pervert and an immoral burden on society. “Its not like I’m running a strip club or brothel here,” responded Longpanther.  “We have some of the best coffee available in the Salt Lake market. We import beans and tea leaves from all over the world, we use strictly organic ingredients, I run a clean and friendly environment, plus wireless internet, and just pussy, everywhere.”

The café, which oft rings of Vivaldi and is filled with the smells of fine beans wafting across the waist-high wooden tables, is clearly a testament of Longpanther’s dedication to a fine coffee shop, surpassing that of Starbucks (which has, according to Longpanther, “long lost its class” and never “shown any nice bush”).  It is in accordance with his code of dedication that all of the vaginas at Bottomless Coffee are either hairless or well-groomed, because, according to the night manager, Stephanie Moisté, “you gotta respect a little hair on the puss.”

It’s unclear whether the city of Salt Lake will allow Bottomless Coffee to remain open with the amount of complaints that have piled up in the city office by people who have no respect for women and their precious, precious gifts, but Longpanther said if the city asks him to change his ways he won’t buckle.  “Fuck no. A real bottomless cup of coffee? No one would ever leave this place if I offered all the coffee you could drink.  That’s why I provide just the right amount off coffee with just the right amount of pussy, just pussy, everywhere.”

/additional reporting  HJ Schadenfreude

Tags: bottomless coffee, C-word with your coffee, coffee, gotta respect a little hair on the puss, HJ Schadenfreude, how women urinate, immoral burden on society, just penis everywhere, just pussy, just the right amount, ninth and ninth, pussy everywhere, Rusty Longpanther, Salt Lake City, Starbucks, Stephanie Moiste, the C-Word is 'Cellar-door', the C-Word is 'cunt'

This entry was posted on November 24, 2009 at 10:57 pm and is filed under Girls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.