A Truant interview with war-time colonel regarding gays in the military
WASHINGTON DC—After keeping relatively quiet for almost a decade, the topic of gays in the military has once again come to the forefront of American military policy as President Barack Obama spoke to the nation last month regarding the issue and pledged his support to change the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy instated years ago.
Like any move our commander-in-chief makes, his support of equal rights for homos has been met with opposition from the right and other people that hate art and going to brunch. Last week, in between interviewing Bubble Boy on his affinity for his parents and also that cunt Heidi Montag on her affinity for shaving her dick square chin, The Truant was lucky enough to catch up with Colonel Brent V. Jackson, a self-described ‘army man of 30 years’ to see what he had to say about homosexual tolerance in the U.S. military.
[Ed Note: The good Colonel was sounding off at the top of his lungs for the bulk of the interview in a drawl bred somewhere in between the south and the south - try it, it's funny].
Col. Jackson: If there is one thing that I hate seein’ in this world, it’s a dead soldier. If there are two things that I hate to see in this world, it’s seein’ a dead soldier, and seein’ a homo! If I was to see a dead soldier that was a homo all at the same time, I think I would puke, shit my pants, and then kill myself in the head with a goddamn gun! ‘Cause that’s what you do when you see two things that you don’t like!
My boys have enough problems to worry about in this goddamn country without having to see a bunch of homos run around the barracks in girl’s clothes! ‘Cause that’s what homos do, run around in girl’s clothes!
The Truant: Do you think that there are homosexuals currently serving in the military?
Col. Jackson: Hell no! My boys are straighter than the barrels of the guns they use to shoot at other boys! What the fuck are you getting at, civilian? The military is a safe place for brave men and women to be shot without having to be harassed by the homos that want to bring America down by signing up to fight for it! ‘Cause that’s what homos do, fight for things they want to bring down!
The Truant: But Colonel, if none of the people in the Military, or the entire country of Iran for that matter, are homosexu…
Col. Jackson: Fuckin’ homos!
The Truant: Sorry, if none of the people in the Military are homosexual, would it be wrong to assume that by letting ‘fuckin homos’ in the military it would cause a problem with the straight members because, well, they are not gay and just doing their job?
Col. Jackson: Listen you civilian pencil-dick, my boys are on 24 hour guard against road-side bombs, suicide attacks and hate-mail from family members of innocent victims! The last thing they need is to have to worry about well-groomed men dressing up in women’s panties running around all tempting-like. It would put them off their guard and could lead a loss in Afghanistan! What do you think what went wrong in Vietnam? I’ll tell you right now, there were too many homos around when I was napalming villages of women and children in order to save them from being communist! Goddamnit! This interview is over! Next time send the monkey that writes for the goddamn Mormons!
As you can see, and we saw with our own pencil-dicked civilian eyes, having openly gay soldiers in the military would be an uphill fight against the common sense of hateful people who would hate to see the people that they hate die while protecting what they love. Haters man, haters.
[...] our usual witty and ground-breaking “Recipe of the Week” column that regularly runs on Monday, we have taken an article from last week about homos in the military and cleverly replaced the word “homo” with the word “Muslim”, in light of the recent [...]