A re-hashed Truant interview with war-time colonel regarding gays, or, um, Muslims in the military
[Ed Note: Being that this weekend was “Take your kids to the gun show weekend so they don’t grow up to be pussies", we didn’t get any writing done for our Monday morning edition. As a substitute for our usual witty and ground-breaking “Recipe of the Week” column that regularly runs on Monday, we have taken an article from last week about homos in the military and cleverly replaced the word “homo” with the word “Muslim”, in light of the recent shootings at the Fort Hood army base by a Muslim Major (or Major Muslim, if you prefer). Oddly enough, it works with all of the same beautiful ignorance. So, I suppose this article has become a “No Homo” literally and figuratively.]
WASHINGTON DC—After keeping relatively quiet for almost a decade, the topic of gays Muslims in the military has once again come to the fore-front of American military policy as President Barack Obama spoke to the nation last month regarding the issue and pledged his support to change the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for homosexuals Muslims instated years ago.
Like any move our commander in chief makes, his support of equal rights for homos Muslims has been met with opposition from the right and other people that hate art, humus, and going to brunch. Last week, in between interviewing Bubble Boy on his affinity for his parents and also that cunt Heidi Montage on her affinity for shaving her dick square chin, The Truant was lucky enough to catch up with Colonel Brent V. Jackson, a self-described ‘army man of 30 years’ to see what he had to say about homosexual Muslim tolerance in the U.S. military.
[Ed Note: The good Colonel was sounding-off at the top of his lungs for the bulk of the interview in a drawl bred somewhere in between the south and the south].
Col. Jackson: If there is one thing that I hate seeing in this world, it’s a dead soldier. If there are two things that I hate to see in this world, it’s seeing a dead soldier, and seeing a homo Mooslim! If I was to see a dead soldier that was a homo Mooslim all at the same time, I think I would puke, shit my pants, and then kill myself in the head with a goddamn gun! ‘Cause that’s what you do when you see two things that you don’t like!
My boys have enough problems to worry about in this goddamn country without having to see a bunch of homos Mooslims run around the barracks in girl’s clothes! ‘Cause that’s what homos Mooslims do, run around in girl’s clothes!
The Truant: Do you think that there are homosexuals Muslims currently serving in the military?
Col. Jackson: Hell no! My boys are straighter more Christian than the barrels of the guns they use to shoot at other boys! What the fuck are you getting at, civilian? The military is a safe place for brave men and women to be shot without having to be harassed by the homos Mooslims that want to bring America down by signing up to fight for it! ‘Cause that’s what homos Mooslims do, fight for things they want to bring down!
The Truant: But Colonel, if none of the people in the Military, or the entire country of Iran for that matter, are homosexual Muslim…
Col. Jackson: Fuckin’ homos Mooslims!
The Truant: Sorry, if none of the people in the Military are homosexual Muslim, would it be wrong to assume that by letting ‘fuckin homos Mooslims’ in the military it would cause a problem with the straight Christian members because, well, they are not gay Muslim and just doing their job?
Col. Jackson: Listen you civilian pencil-dick, my boys are on 24 hour guard against road-side bombs, suicide attacks and hate-mail from innocent victims who were lucky enough to keep their fingers! The last thing they need is to have to worry about well-groomed men dressing up in women’s panties running around all tempting-like Mooslims. It would put them off their guard and could lead a loss in Afghanistan! What do you think what went wrong in Vietnam? I’ll tell you right now, there were too many homos Mooslims around when I was killin’ kids! Goddamnit! This interview is over! Next time send the goddamn chimpanzee that writes for the Mormons Jewses!
As you can see, and we saw with our own pencil-dicked civilian eyes, having openly gay Muslim soldiers in the military would be an uphill fight against the common sense of hateful people who would hate to see the people that they hate die while protect what they love. Haters man, haters.
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Mooslims SUCK!
FALWELL: Well, I’m for that too. But you’ve got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops. And I’m for the president to chase them all over the world. If it takes 10 years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord.
ROBERTSON: Oh, worry about backlash, but the truth is that this guy was off his trolley and they should have gotten him out, but nobody wanted to go after him because of political correctness. We just don’t talk about somebody’s, quote, religion, even if the religion involves beheading infidels and pouring boiling oil down their throats. He wasn’t hiding it.
I tell you what should happen, and I think is going to happen, is the families of those soldiers who were killed have an absolute, major lawsuit for damages against the United States government. There was a failure — they should have, as Senator Lieberman said, this man should have been gone, he should have been out of the service.
Just imagine — our young men — brave defenders of the freedom we enjoy, having to sit in psychological evaluation in front of this man. Just think what that means. Just think what it would do to their psyches.
Whew. It was a horrible chapter, but if we don’t stop covering up what Islam is — Islam is a violent — I was gonna say religion, but it’s not a religion, it’s a political system, a violent political system bent on the overthrow of the governments of the world and — and — and world domination. That is the ultimate aim.
And they talk about infidels and all this — but the truth is, that’s what the game is. So you’re dealing with a — not a religion, you’re dealing with a political system.