Utah landfill made historical site in honor of state bird
SALT LAKE CITY— Through the combined efforts of the newly promoted and homophobic governor of Utah, Gary Herbert, and the, um, also homophobic president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Thomas ‘The Bull’ Monson, a Salt Lake City landfill became a historical landmark this weekend.
The landfill, which is located southwest of the city, somewhere between where the poor people live and where the poor people work, has long been the apple of the state’s eye and was deemed a historical landmark as it attracts more of the state’s bird, the California Seagull (Larus californicus), than anywhere else in Deseret.
Unlike many state birds across the nation, the seagull was not picked by man due to a beautiful or graceful quality, but in fact chosen by god. When the Mormon pioneers, who killed a bunch of Injuns (or as they call them ‘Lamanites’ or ‘the bad Jews’) peacefully settled in Utah, there were a bunch of crickets that were eating their crops, so they prayed sooo hard to Elohim, and then some seagulls, a species indigenous to Utah, came out of god’s clouds and ate said crickets. A clear-cut motherfucking miracle, and now a city dump is a state landmark just to prove it.
Thomas ‘The Bull’ Monson, the man on the Mormon two-way with Jesus Christ , who also has a striking resemblance to Al Bundy in a fishing cap and likes seagulls much more than liquor licenses, said with hands and voice vibrating to the pulse of his palsy, “It’s an important day in the history of the great and tolerant state of Utah, when the church, the mob, and the governor can agree on a common thread that keeps us together. This here pile of trash that we as a society have created, and that all of the beautiful miracle birds feed on, should be honored as the divine intervention that it is. Oh heavenly father…”
Gov. Herbert chimed in saying, “Eating trash is only the first step for these birds; these divine angel-birds. I’ve always produced trash and I’ve always liked birds, so I know in my heart that if I slip a few extra pennies in The Bull’s prayer box they will be eating the nuclear waste that Energy Solutions just dumped in the west desert within weeks.”
A handful of on-lookers were puzzled by the ribbon cutting at the landfill, as they unloaded old washing machines and dead animals to the city dump, which is still on contract to accept waste from the public until 2010.
“I just don’t understand it,” said Emanuel Lopez of Rose Park while unloading rolls of stained carpet from his ’91 Nissan pickup truck. “What ever happened to regular church stuff like seeing Mother Mary in that tree on 3rd east or that statue that cries blood? Mi abuela says she saw that shit, for real B. Catholics would never make a mistake like this, with the exception of backing the Nazis, Catholics just don’t make mistakes.”
“I don’t understand it either,” said Tyler Miller, a llama farmer out of North Salt Lake. “Two things,” he insisted, “why do the magpies always go after the eyes and butt-holes of my dead llamas first? And why the hell would all of these people come to the dump on a Saturday just because someone said there was a miracle two hundred years ago? Oh well, I suppose the magpies are just goin’ after the softest parts first.” [Ed Note: After a careful examination of Miller’s quote, the staff of The Truant doesn’t entirely get it, but we are pretty sure he is on to something, considering his clear knowledge of birds.]
As of press time, founder of the LDS church and famed seagull-whisperer, Joseph ‘Silky’ Smith was unavailable for comment, as he is currently on trial for fraud. Again. Also, somewhere in the world, Rocky Anderson is reading this and shaking his head while Chris Buttars still doesn’t get the joke.
Interesting and informative. But will you write about this one more?
the first coment hurts me right in the dickhole. god, i hope it doesnt fall off and end up in a historical landmark getiing eaten by a state bird.
today in elders quorum we exhumed the ashend corpse of joseph crist and shoveled it from our rented trailer into said sacred dump. loins rent asunder from a holy fresh munging.
touche
my elementry school was built on a landfill and as such the great gull of the salt lake took up residence on our fields and playgrounds. those were the days when youngin’s and rapscalions alike would bring alkaseltzer to feed to the avian mascots of our state and we would watch the magestic bird of garbage fall to the ground in a feathered foaming mess.
God Bless America
If the gulls start eating the nuclear waste, are we going to have a new state bird – the atomic gull? It would be cool to have the only state with a state animal that has mutant powers, but I’m not sure I want large, green seagulls flying around with heat rays coming out of their eyes and buttholes.
Great story about what is most definitely the lords greatest creation. truly a magnificent Animal one worth of praise and worship I would wager.
The word is worthy you dillhole