Unconventional Wisdom: No Unconventional Wisdom this week

In the greatest blow to journalistic excellence since a nazi bullet took Ernie Pyle’s life, The Truant is not going to make fun of Harry Caines’ Unconventional Wisdom column this week. This might lead one to believe that The Truant would not be making fun of Harry Caines this week. Wrong.

Last Friday night, Dickhouse et al had the pleasure of Tyler Riggs’ company at the White Owl. Besides being a good friend of the Magazine, and the most important radio personality in Logan, Riggs is also an acquaintance of Caines. We would go so far as to say a good acquaintance, no homo, we think. Anyhow, after allowing us to use his iPhone to pose as him, and send Caines fake column ideas (”An entire column on grammar? Your genius astounds us, Harry!”), Riggs proceeded to relate a series of very embarrassing personal Harry Caines facts.

Because it’s funny, here are most of them:

*   Caines’ significant other recently made a cutting remark toward him, for which he had no rebuttal.

*   Privately, Caines refers to our online Magazine (The Truant) as a Fagazine. The implication being that we are homosexuals.

*   Like he says in every single column, Caines is very old. It’s no bullshit, he’s fucking old.

*   Caines believes Tyler Riggs writes these. As if he could.

*   Perversely, instead of identifying with people who like the same baseball team as him, Caines instinctively distrusts and dislikes his fellow fans. “Oh, your reasons for liking team X are totally invalid! I’M THE ONLY ONE WITH A VALID REASON TO LIKE TEAM X.” And our favorite: “These guys haven’t been fans of team X long enough to earn my respect! BASEBALL FANSHIP RESPECT OF HARRY CAINES: DENIED!!!” No one has been a fan of team X as long as you because no one is as old as you, Harry. Major League Baseball: just another way for Harry Caines to feel superior.

To balance things out, here are some embarrassing personal facts about Tyler Riggs and Nixon Dickhouse:

*   Dickhouse hit on this girl at the Owl, and her friend rolled her eyes, snorted, and said, “Oh jeez.” To be fair, Dickhouse ended pulling that bitch’s digits. (the ‘Oh Jeez’ one, in an improbable twist. He’s that good.) Dickhouse even got invited to go four-wheeling the next day with her and her friends, and would have gone, if he didn’t think four-wheeling was the bane of all human existence. On a much lighter note, Dickhouse still plans on piping her down and then ignoring her texts until she loses interest. (Ed. – A few months later he’ll see her at the bar and be all like, “how come you never call me anymore,” which drives girls crazy. He’s insecure like that.)

*   Riggs could have closed on the smoking-hot wife of one of our friends (who is on waivers at the moment so to speak) but he chickened out.

*   Nothing embarrassing happened to Rick Gatewood, Five-Tool Editor, he just sat there being cool, making fun of everyone he saw, until some big dudes took offense. Then Rick said ‘You mad’ which of course made them even madder, and necessitated Rick kicking all of their asses in a wild street brawl right outside the Owl. Then some of the police and firefighters from 9/11 stopped by to thank Rick for being such a great guy, and to buy him a big dog. Rick drank the beer, but cleverly went behind the police and firefighters’ backs to actually pay for THEIR beers, since those guys are the real heroes. Then Rick dipped an entire can of Copenhagen and fucked every girl in the bar.

Truthfully, there are some good openings for no homos in this week’s Caines. The internet being inherently participatory, we are offering a prize for the best commenter who makes fun of Caines’ thoughts (The tailgating at Romney Stadium – over fall break weekend mind you – was not up to Caines’ standards; Caines doesn’t understand beer pong; if you like ice cream you’re a defective person) FJM-style. The prize will be a fancy The Truant t-shirt, possibly even in your size.

Tags: BASEBALL FANSHIP RESPECT OF HARRY CAINES: DENIED, copenhagen, Fagazines, four-wheeling, harry caines, Nixon Dickhouse, No homo, Rick Gatewood, sent from Tyler Riggs' iPhone, the police and firefighters from 9/11, The White Owl, Tyler Riggs, Unconventional Wisdom, You mad

This entry was posted on October 22, 2009 at 12:50 am and is filed under Special, Utah State News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.