Unconventional Wisdom: Gee, thanks for the shout-out

A doozy from Caines this Monday. We still don’t hate Caines, we just think his column is a giant waste of space. Usual rules apply, if you have a class with Harry, don’t make fun of him for showing up/not showing up/crying the whole time in the comments, because we’ll just delete it. On with the good-natured ribbing of our old chum:

On what may have been the most perfect Tuesday afternoon in the history of weather, the only question I have on my mind is: Why are there 300 people in a line outside the TSC?

Other questions which were likely on Caines’ mind at the time: Why is everyone texting? Don’t people talk to each other anymore? Don’t people just go wandering around drunk and walk into random houses where they think they hear something going on anymore?

Oh, it may not have been 300.

Then why not just say there were “a lot” of people in a line outside the TSC? Oh, wait. This is a trick to pad your word count without really saying anything, right? Make up a number, then qualify it by saying there probably weren’t that many.

Whatever the number, they were five across and waiting patiently.

Then flippantly declare that it doesn’t matter, make up another number, and make a subjective judgement about the state of mind of – roughly – 300 people. Column writing 101.

What event was happening in good ol’ Logan to make so many people wait in such a massive line? Was it the line for Osmond Brothers tickets? Miley Cyrus? Do Utahns wait in line for concert tickets?

Oh, playing the ‘bewildered outsider’ card again. There’s a Truant office pool on how many columns Caines can play the ‘bewildered outsider’ card in this year, and the smart money is on all of them.

Maybe it was a job fair for English majors. Doubtful.

English majors are losers, but keep in mind, these clever jibes are coming from a guy who majored in interdisciplinary studies. That’s right, he’s majoring in not having a major.

The new Wal-Mart is already fully staffed. It could have been the line to apply to be lifeguard in the HPER. Impossible. Everyone knows the lifeguards are hired out of prison work-release programs.

Because prisoners are exceptionally good swimmers? Do the lifeguards in the HPER building look like they are prisoners on work release? We do not understand this joke even one little bit, but we’re making a genuine effort here.

I thought it could have been the Yolanda Flores Niemann dunk tank. When I did not see any of the HASS professors in line, I ruled that out as a possibility.

Ha! Fuck Yolanda Flores Niemann, right? Could not possibly agree more.

The curiosity overcame me, and I levitated through the bulging throng to the front of the line.

You butted. You butted in line.

What was the cause of this mass of humanity waiting in line? Free ice cream. What? Free ice cream? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Huh?

I mean, maybe a gallon of ice cream would have been worth a conspicuous amount of time in line.

Not everyone eats a gallon of ice cream at a time.

But, the scoopers under the tent were giving out those cocktail cups. Barely two scoops.

YOU’RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO EAT ONE OR TWO SCOOPS IN A SITTING, FATSO.

Why in Hades would anyone wait over 30 minutes in line for a small cup of ice cream?

How the fuck would you know how long they waited? You cut the line, remember? So you could bitch about the small serving size of the FREE FUCKING ICE CREAM.

The guys who waited in soup lines during The Great Depression got more in their bowls than these practitioners of ice cream zealotry got, and they were actually starving to death!

Insane.

No, this column is fucking insane.

This is where the social disconnect between myself and my fellow Aggies comes to the fore. Isn’t it the oldheads who are supposed to be patient and the youngins who are noted for not waiting on anything? Nearly everyone in that line was the traditional college age – whatever that means.

Younger than 45?

The point – and I am not entirely sure I have one –

We are quite certain you do not.

is that the act of waiting in a long line for a substantial amount of time

Or cutting to the front like a rude dickhead with no manners?

for something you can purchase for $2 in a fraction of time is flat out illogical. Perhaps there is no social disconnect

Someone learned a new word today in JCOM 1100 today!

at all. And this is certainly not a regional thing that I can use to scathingly insult Utahns for going to great lengths to receive a product without opening their notoriously tight purse strings.

Ah, the notoriously tight Utahn purse strings. Almost as notorious as the notoriously powerful Mississippian vaginal muscles.

This is just a bunch of young people waiting in line for free ice cream for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. Well, except to eat ice cream … for free.

Now, I fully admit that a man of my considerable bulk (RE: I’m fat),

Gotta get right out in front of that one!

talking about the vexing effect of waiting for free ice cream is self-parody. I am sure that the moderators of a certain nameless Web site

How about that? We make Caines into the most famous, most controversial columnist in the history of the Utah Statesman, and we can’t even get a proper plug.

that takes shots at my columns will fall over in glee in lambasting me. I will risk that. Despite how insignificant this column is, there are times when you scoff at relevance to call out 300 people for a mesmerizing lack of judgment and self-awareness.

In other words, you’re stupid. If you killed some time between classes the other day by standing around in the beautiful weather and receiving free ice cream, you’re STUPID. You miserable lack of judgement, YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID FULL PRICE, IT’S OBVIOUSLY THE SMART THING TO DO. Because there are never lines in the Hub.

To sum up my argument, allow me to relate a story to you.

Something tells us to be ready for a complete non-sequitur.

Like Utah, Pennsylvania only allows liquor to be bought in state run stores. The price of liquor is considerably cheaper in New Jersey, which has privately owned liquor stores. On more than one occasion I drove with my father to New Jersey to buy liquor.

Dad liked to drink Wild Turkey neat. Me, I just liked to eat ice cream by the gallon.

Taking in a full reckoning of gas, the tolls to cross the bridge, the taxes New Jersey levies on the liquor and the time spent driving there and back, the savings seemed to be minimal. I asked my father if he agreed. He did. I asked him why we did it if we weren’t saving any money. “We got to spend time together,” he told me.

Cheap booze and free ice cream. Logic be damned if they allow families and friends quality time together.

And so…wow! Caines ends up endorsing the batshit crazy young kids who got free scoops of ice cream! In a backwards, fucktarded, not-really kind of way, this column actually made a little bit of sense!

Harry Caines in a senior re-entry student in interdiciplinary studies

Take that, English majors! You fucking losers!

from Philidelphia. Unconventional Wisdom appears every Monday. Comments may be left at www.aggietownsquare.com or sent to chiefsalsa@gmail.com

Tags: allow me to retort, delaware, english > interdisciplinary, FJM style, harry caines, nameless websites, new jersey, non-sequitur, shout outs, state run liquor stores, Unconventional Wisdom, wild turkey neat

This entry was posted on September 30, 2009 at 9:22 am and is filed under Utah State News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.