Texas Roadhouse opens joint on 14th north
LOGAN, Utah – Though usually not sought-after characteristics by employers, being annoying and overly gregarious is suddenly in high demand in northern Utah as the unbearably niggling chain restaurant Texas Roadhouse opens its doors.
The Texas Roadhouse franchise is known for its “super-fun server” atmosphere, but what few realize is that it takes an army of naturally high tweakers to make it work. With the franchise quickly opening its territories to new areas, they have found that many Utah valleys have an overabundance of the obnoxious potential that makes this particular restaurant work.
The new GM of the Logan Roadhouse commented, “Our interview process had to be overhauled in order to weed some of these kids out. They were all so damn excited over nothing, even when we told them that they didn’t make the cut. Our new branch in Logan had over 1,000 applications the first day, and they [the applicants] don’t just hand them in, they think they have to sing a fucking song or something. Most of them are in their early twenties and I think just need an outlet for all the hyperactive glee that they can’t seem to sing out at church or squeeze out through dry-humping—it’s creepy. But then again, we are here to provide a fun place to go for people who have no other means of enjoyment.”
Logan, which was once in a unique position to remain slightly less graffitied by the pathetic neon shit-color of restaurant chains due to its location tucked away in the mountains and miles from any interstate, long ago lost, or possibly never had, the taste and class to support local food made in local restaurants by real chefs. Instead, the idea of a Friday night has become lining up at restaurants like the Olive Garden for “Authentic Italian Cuisine” made by some pimple-popping dick in the back, who is only mixing a packet of powder with water and opening a can of artichoke hearts. And let’s not forget all the breadsticks you can eat, because that’s what you dine out for: bread.
With this mentality oozing through its citizens, Logan, which has not only accepted but welcomed with open tentacles any and all chain restaurants, was of course ecstatic to learn that they were the recipient of a Texas Roadhouse, and now is impatiently awaiting an Applebee’s and an Outback Steakhouse.
One diner who was a first time enjoyer of the Roadhouse and wished to remain anonymous, asked, “What’s with the redundancy and the keyed-up people asking the same questions ten fucking times? No, it’s not my goddam birthday! The whole place is intolerable; the employees have an utter disregard for patrons’ privacy, conversations, meals, and the possibility that they aren’t 4 years old. I punched the greeter in the stomach.”
Another man, who looked like he could have actually been from Texas, when questioned about the loquacious workers exclaimed, “Fuckin’ faggots!”
However, not all diners appreciate good food and atmosphere, as the Texas Roadhouse continues to thrive around the state, and many patrons cite the retarded greeter with the jokes and cowboy hat as reason for their rabid loyalty.
Bailey Maughan, one of the people who liked the retard, commented, “I just couldn’t get enough of the atmosphere and all the fun things the employees did, like line dancing in the aisle while I was eating, and all the fun audience participation chants. It was my birthday and I ate so many rolls!” Maughan went on the say “I haven’t had fun ‘til now since I moved here. Where I’m from we’ve had one for years so I’ve been there, like, a million times. One time during a chant response I screamed so loud that I squirted my favorite ‘mashers’ all over my date and we laughed so hard.”
The Texas Road House is located right next to the mall, across the street from Ruby Tuesday’s, kitty-corner to Chili’s, just down the block from Olive Garden, a stone’s throw from Winger’s, just a tick down the road from Iggies, and probably on top of an Indian burial ground. Don’t forget your fat fucking girlfriend.
/additional reporting by Lordy Tremain
Wow, Anita, you really know your chain restaurant logos. Who has the best fried ranch balls with ranch sauce?
That is clearly the “s” from Chili’s, asshole.
Hey Tom, no one uses Yahoo anymore you fascist douchenozzle.
And Texas Roadhouse and their not opening until 4 p.m. can suckle my manparts.
I was on Yahoo and found your blog. Read a few of your other posts. Good work. I am looking forward to reading more from you in the future.
Tom Stanley