Actor and war hero Patrick Swayze dies heroically at age 57
As if the memory of the tragic events of 9/11 were not enough to hold September accountable as the cruelest month in American history, last night U.S. citizens and people of the world alike were gifted yet another tragedy to permanently etch on their yearly calendars, as war hero, philanthropist, Oscar winning actor, famed lover and dancer, Patrick Swayze, died heroically on the battlefield of life.
Some reports say that Swayze had been fighting a deadly type of cancer for years, but others, closer to the Swayze family and to The Truant, suggest that Swayze, who was well versed in hand-to-hand combat and literally millions of types of weapons, probably actually died fighting terrorism. Swayze was so modest, so damn modest, that even in death, he wished to keep the price he paid to his country a secret and die as nothing more than the greatest actor to ever act.
Though it has only been a matter of hours since Swayze has passed, the media, made of men and women alike, has already come forward with praise for the man who brought to life unforgettable characters such as “Ace Johnson” in Skatetown USA, “Dalton”, in Roadhouse, “Bodie” in Point Break, and the forever-charming child molester in Donnie Darko.
The tragedy has even hit home with the forever stoic staff of The Truant, as upon hearing the news, Nixion Dickhouse, benevolent dictator for life, fell to his knees yelling, “Oh Lord, why? Take me! Take me! You fucking pussy! Take me!” Dickhouse hasn’t been seen (or looked for) since.
Swayze, who was born in the small town of Huston, Texas in 1952 said, as a child of only two years, that he would grow to be the best actor, dancer, lover and fighter that the world has ever seen. The young and handsome tot should have added clairvoyant to his list, for within a matter of a few years he had burst on the Hollywood scene working alongside greats such as Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, Orson Wells in Citizen Cane, and being the first actor to break the racial barrier by co-starring in Ghost Dad with Bill Cosby.
It was clear from the beginning that the young Swayze was destine for greatness, but it was not until after the true-to-his-life and also autobiographical tale of dancing, miscarried abortions, love, and putting ‘baby in the corner’, Dirty Dancing, did the up-tight Oscar-awarding Academy begin to notice him.
Though Swayze was no stranger to drama on the set of his films, he never let the fact that he had intercourse with almost all of his co-stars in every film he ever made distract him from giving a perfectly under/overstated performance every time. There was Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing, Leah Thompson in Red Dawn, and a rumored Whoopie Goldburg and Demi More sandwich on the set of Ghost. All of whom agreed that they got the longest and most silky boner of their lives by way of the strong yet metronome-timed thrust of Patrick Swayze’s handsome groin.
The golden Oscar was finally awarded to Swayze for his role as “Jack Crews” in Black Dog, where he played the world’s best truck driver who had given up on the dangerous delivery business to take care of his young family. The film showed an honest depiction of how one can never really get out of the semi driving business as Swayze gets pulled back in to a situation where he must choose between life and death on his last delivery behind the helm of an eighteen-wheeler.
“He was a trucker’s trucker,” said Academy member Steven Spielberg. That film still brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it. Goddamnit! Oh Lord, why? Take me! Take me! You fucking pussy! Take me!”
Jennifer Grey, Swayze’s crooked-nosed co-star in Dirty Dancing said that she would always miss his presence in her life and said that she can still feel the time he fucked the shit out of her. “Literally, said Grey, “he fucked me until I shit.”
Sam Elliot trembled while trying to remain the unruffled gentleman that he has always played so well, saying of Swayze, “I loved him like I have loved no other man in my life. The way he moved on and off the Hollywood court always kept me throbbing for more. Elliot’s mustache had no comment, but his eyes couldn’t lie to us, as they glossed over and reflected the closing scene in Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain (which Swayze co-wrote), where Heath Ledger’s character is left looking at the clothes of his dead lover just before the camera fades out and love is lost forever.
Keanu Reeves, who starred along side of Patrick Swayze in Point Break as bitch-ass football player turned FBI agent, Johnny Utah, said of his time on the set with the greatest actor of all time, “Swayze was like, bro, he saved my life. I remember when we were filming the last scene where I threw my badge in to the ocean, man, and I was like doing such great acting that like I fell into the water and almost died. Pat pulled me out and saved my life. He had just come out of the trailer that Lori Petty and Gary Busey shared and he wasn’t wearing pants. As he was pulling me out of the foot-deep water I reached out to grab his other hand, and felt what I thought was his fore-arm. It wasn’t his arm at all. Patrick Swayze’s dick saved my life.”
Swayze’s sister remarked to the press that Patrick had considered dying the same week as Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcet, and Michael Jackson, but he thought better of it, as to not use his heroic death to steal any lime-light from people that he respected so much, even though they were never as successful as him. “Also,” said Swayze’s sister, “Patrick had some sort of a beef to settle with Chuck Norris about a pony race that went awry in ’87 at Steven Segal’s birthday party. I hope he dies next.”
Segments of Swayze’s last will and testament have been made public to the public and contains a list of people that he wished he would have made love too. The will goes on to say that the majority of his money will go to non-profits around the world that help teach children how to dance the Pechanga even if they don’t have legs, and any remainder will be donated to the Arabian Horse society of Huston, where he was from.
“He always loved horses,” said friend and co-star of Red Dawn, Charlie Sheen, in between tears. “He had 
something in common with them…his drive, his strength, his absolute length and girth. I will miss him.”
As a staff, as admirers, as the most prominent and reliable news magazine in the lower forty-eight states and Puerto Rico, The Truant would like to send our condolences to the Swayze family and also thank Patrick for making the greatest films of our time and for showing us that no matter how much we like to have the hetero sex as god intended it, we are all a little bit gay on the inside. R.I.P-Swayz, you will be missed.
[...] : Actor and war hero Patrick Swayze dies heroically at age 57 [...]
[...] we’re picking up a couple days late here. The news of American Hero Patrick Swayze’s death preempted us making fun of Harry Caines, who still writes his petty bitches for the Utah Statesman. [...]
You should be greatly ashamed. He was a good man and you dont know anything about him or who whe was. This is disgusting, cowardly and frankly I hope karma gets you back.
Journalistic Brilliance. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while yo. Do you think “Me” ^^^ read the whole thing? I bet she did.