EnergySolutions to import child molesters from South Carolina
In a move opposed only by the whiniest of knee-jerk crybaby liberal whiners, EnergySolutions will now be importing dangerous child-molesting felons to Utah. The rapists, who specialize in raping innocentchildren, are currently imprisoned in South Carolina, the same state EnergySolutions imports radioactive waste from.
EnergySolutions CEO Steve Creamer announced his genius idea to bring as many unrepentant fuckers of young children into Utah as possible while Governor Bob Herbert, Rep. Rob Bishop and Rep. Jason Chaffetz all applauded.
“First of all and most importantly: EnergySolutions stands to make a lot of money by bringing these men who love to have sex with children into Utah,” Creamer said. “But no one need worry; we’ll keep these criminals, many of whom have sworn to escape and rape more children, in a sturdy jail guarded by incorruptible jailers. It’s at least as safe as warehousing nuclear waste.”
The first shipment of men who want nothing more than to have sex with children younger than 12 is due to arrive in Utah sometime next week. The exact date and time has been kept a secret for security reasons, “So none of One-Eyed Sam, Mo Rapo, Crooked-Dicked Jeff, and Larry the Janitor’s homies can try to bust them out,” as Creamer put it.
“My administration is happy to bend over backwards to help EnergySolutions do whatever they want,” Herbert said. “Mr. Creamer knows exactly what he’s doing with the child molesters from South Carolina. These violent sex perverts pose very, very little threat to the virgin children of our families.”
Chief wussy environmentalist bitch Stan King voiced the Sierra Club’s predictable objections to the incarcerating-child-molesters-for-profit scheme hatched by Creamer.
“Just as with the nuclear waste, we object to the importation of inherently dangerous things to Utah and wonder why the good people of South Carolina don’t do their own dirty laundry,” said Stan King, punk bitch.
“Jesus Christ, we’ve been over this,” Rep. Rob Bishop said when The Truant hit him up for a react quote. “The nuclear waste is SAFE. It’s LOW-LEVEL waste, good for you basically, and plus Steve Creamer put it in the GROUND. Nothing can happen to it, it’s UNDERGROUND. Fucking liberal environmentalists, you can’t reason with these people!”
“I don’t like environmentalists,” said average mormon housewife Alison Brothers. “So I guess I’m in favor of EnergySolutions doing whatever they please. I guess maybe I should be worried about my kids – Buffy, 15, Jasmine, 14, Brandon, 13, Carla, 12, Matt, 11, Joe, 10, Alison Jr., 9, Hayden, 8, Timmy, 7, Brett, 6, and Tiny Tim, 5 – he’s the one I really hope doesn’t get molested – but something tells me nothing will go wrong and everything will be fine as long as we all trust Steve Creamer.”
“I can’t wait to get to Utah,” Crooked-Dick Jeff said. “First I’m going to pretend to convert to mormonism so as to gain the trust of the guards. Then I’m going to make a handcuff key out of a ballpoint pen and a paper clip like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Then I’m going to run up on some little kids and do Elizabeth Smart times ten with blood on them.”
Taking the pernicious child molesters from South Carolina is very profitable for EnergySolutions. Creamer stated his company will make $35 million from the deal. At the press conference, new governor Herbert ran around telling anyone who would listen that he will “suck off a transgender AIDS-infected whore before EnergySolutions pays any taxes. I will protect Utahns from the dangers of bigger government.”