California on its way to legalize drugs, legalizing same-sex marriage not likely

As the economic crisis that Goldman Sachs granted to most of America through forcible rape worsens, California, the state hit the hardest by the housing market collapse, has come ever closer to taxing and legalizing marijuana to help ease its financial stress. As for allowing homosexuals to marry, the pseudo-progressive and oft-admired demographic of California is still not ready to allow that—not even on weed.

The state, with its deficit to hit $40 billion by 2010, thinks that if marijuana is legalized and taxed, it could help balance the state’s black-hole budget, and says that it’s willing to accept the behavior of drug addicts and people who still wear tye-dye, as long as they are not faggots.

Oakland, one of the worst cities in the world and one that will murder you at 3.5 times the rate of the rest of the country, voted to legalize a tax on medical marijuana on July 21, which passed by 80%, setting the infested armpit of the bay area to lead the way on the state’s chase for marijuana-made money.

“It’s not a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils,” said Rep. Frank Speaks. “It’s a matter of choosing the one that will make us the most money. You see, allowing homosexuals to get married in this state is going to give us a quick spike in profits as we sell our first batch of homo marriage licenses, but after that initial boost it won’t amount to much. Now, if we legalize marijuana, which promises a huge initial boost and a steady stream of addiction after that, it will eventually help us out of, and keep us out of debt.”

Speaks continued, saying, “I suppose the only way that we could make that type of money off of gay marriage would be if we imposed a ‘Fag Tax’ that people would have to pay once a year for being gay, but that probably wouldn’t go over too well. We’d at least have to change the name, but if we could get the Mormons on our side…”

Some unlikely objectors are ridiculing the idea of a pot-legal state, but not because they don’t like getting ’so fucking high on marijuana,’ but because of the fact that the democratic government is clearly bending a law to appease the public only when it can, and has to, make a shit-ton of money off of it.

“Fuck that shit,” said Bodie Taylor, a well-spoken and thoughtful hippy who still thinks that trees are the answer. “The government can give us the right to smoke weed and shit, but when they make the money that they need, they can cut that shit the fuck off and there goes our weed and here comes a million search warrants. Fuck that shit, trees are the answer.”

The Mormons have remained oddly silent on this issue, possibly because everyone in the normal world told them to shut the fuck up after they pumped $20 million out of their “love thy neighbor” fund to influence the Prop 8 vote which banned same-sex marriage in California and reminded the world that, like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proclaimed about Iran, there are no homosexuals in Utah.

As of press time The Truant staff has begun reporting live from Oakland and we’re all so stoned we can’t see straight. Anyone want a popsicle? Well, do ya?

Tags: California, Fag Tax, forcible rape, Frank Speaks, Goldman Sachs, hippies, homosexuals, Iran, lesser of two evils, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, marijuana, mormons, murder, No homo, popsicles, so fuckin high on marijuana, trees are the answer

This entry was posted on August 7, 2009 at 5:33 pm and is filed under Get Money. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.