Truant Staffer found guilty on DUI charge, sentenced to community service teaching sex ed at orphanage
After a recent run-in with the law that resulted in famed writer Lordy Tremain being found guilty of a DUI charge while operating a bicycle, the acclaimed writer of time honored tales such as The Wrong Day to Wear White Pants: A Tale for Growing Girls, A Tight Box for Johnson: A Young Man’s Conquest, and The Old Man and the Sea, has been sentenced to five days in jail and 40 hours of community service. The community service was ordered to be fulfilled by teaching sexual education at orphanages around the state.
“I myself found the community service a little strange,” said Tremain, “considering the undying abhorrence that I’ve had for children ever since I saw one as a kid, but once I thought it over, I recognized the genius of it all. The kids need a straight shooter when it comes to sex, none of this beat around the bush stuff, they need someone to pound it home.”
Sexual education in public schools has long been a hot
topic of debate, as some parents believe that it is something only to be discussed at home and that the government shouldn’t meddle by passing out study guides and condoms.
Judge Eugene Thorn, who proceeded over Lordy Tremain vs The State of Utah , said being that children in orphanages have no parents to teach them anything at all, it was only right that he stepped up to the plate and sent an informed, though convicted, young man to both teach and learn from the children.
“It’s not like he [Tremain] was in my courtroom for any type of violent or sexual related crime that might put the kids in jeopardy,” said Judge Thorn. “Hell, some asshole cop gave him a DUI on bicycle for Christ’s sake! The only reason I handed out such sentence is because I’m up for re-election next term and doing something for the kids right now looks great in the papers.”
When asked how he planed on approaching the subject of sexual education, with its common taboo tag, Tremain responded that the most important part of sexual education is teaching how to keep it safe; the section about finding the clitoris comes pen ultimate to this, and only this.
“I plan on teaching the children the dangers of unsafe sex,” said Tremain. “Mostly I’ll be focusing on the dangers of snuff films, because as we all know, they almost always turn out poorly. And by ‘poorly’ I don’t mean, you get an itch that you can’t scratch because its in the inside of your dick-hole, or after the fact people go around calling you a slut, or even, god forbid—and the orphans will really be able to relate to this one—you end up having an unexpected and unwanted child.”
“Yes,” continued Tremain, “I really want to drive home the point that if you don’t practice safe sex and end up in a snuff film, you will probably die. But there will be no resting in piece for you, as there is an excellent chance that the video of you not practicing safe sex (i.e. getting snuffed) will end up on the interweb and your image will forever become fodder for a jerk-off session and a good laugh at a Hollywood S&M party. It’s serious business.”
Tremain told The Truant that he has long kept examples of snuff films amongst his video library just in case something like this happened. “It pays to be prepared,” the writer said, “and now I can pass on what I know to these beautiful orphans.”
“In the end,” finished Tremain, “We know that the children are the future, and The Truant, it’s for the babies.”
Community service like this makes a heck of a lot more sense than picking up trash in an orange jumpsuit.
[...] Truant Staffer found guilty on DUI charge, sentenced to community … Tags: abortion, babies, barack-obama, children, china, editor-emeritus, government, kids, mccain, nixon-dickhouse, obama, tremain, truant [...]
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.
[...] Truant Staffer found guilty on DUI charge, sentenced to community … Tags: abortion, babies, barack-obama, children, china, editor-emeritus, government, kids, mccain, nixon-dickhouse, obama, tremain, truant [...]