Pentagon suggest smoking ban in the military, shooting people still okay
After a recent study funded by the pentagon regarding the dangers of tobacco use in the military, the US government is set to propose a ban on all tobacco products in the armed forces; shooting people in the face with a gun will still be okay.
The ban would put a halt to all tobacco sales on military bases and no one in uniform would be allowed to smoke, chew, or snort tobacco—even if they wanted to really bad because they were being shot at by a Muslim or just needed the smoke to cover the smell of 100,000 dead Iraqi civilians.
“We need our soldiers healthy so they can die for their country,” said Republican James Proctor, a driving voice behind the proposed ban. “You can’t out-run roadside bombs if you’re a goddamn lunger. And yes, I know, guns kill too, but this isn’t Star Trek! We can’t set our fucking phasers on ‘stun’! Get out of here with that bullshit, this is the army, we want to see dead people, just not dead from cancer.” 
Those against the proposed ban, say, in a raspy voice and in between drags, that tobacco has a long history in the Army and banning it would be a step towards the pussification of the greatest killing force since the Nazis.
Private Billy Husker, a soldier out of the Midwest said that half the reason he joined the military was to get discounts on “ciggys” from the commissary.
“Yea, you can get ‘em fer way cheap on base, same with booze. It’d be a shame if we couldn’t light up before we went out at night shootin’ at the sand folk. Plus it just looks cool to have one of them shits hangin’ out of your chops when you’re killin’ someone.”
Sergeant L. Thad Winston, a well-spoken rare find in the military, told us that he and many of his counterparts don’t think it’s a fair move by the pentagon and he worries what will be taken next.
“Whether you are on the front lines or not, the military can be a very stressful job. I mean, we’re dealing with peoples lives day in and day out, and for a lot of us, five minutes with a cigarette can be just enough stress relief to keep us sane. And what’s next? Certainly alcohol causes more problems than tobacco, will that be going next? The goddamn bureaucracy can suck my purple hearted dick.”
The study is still being examined by top health officials at the pentagon, and if they agree with the findings a proposed bill that will link smoking to terrorism is expected with in the year.
Oh Lordy, Lordy T! My dad, DR. Huxtable once caught me smoking a ciggy, oh boy was he mad. He Huffed amd Puffed( on the rest of my Smoke, sonofabitch!), and then showed me the business end of his JELLO brand pudding pop. i havent smoked since. but i do have to do a few grams of the black tar just to feel normal and sleep at night. anyway you tell those military people that my dad is more than happy to come down there and show every single last one of those smokers the ” ‘ol Popper” if it will help them quit smoking.
best reguards,
theo
Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your http://www.thetruant.com.
Elcoj
The Truant’s Editor/Proofreader taken behind shed, shot, replaced.
If you, like a prioritized person, read the truant every time you exhaust the internet’s porn supply then you may have noticed that the brilliant writers of The Truant with all their superlative prose, sonorous syntax, and sesquipedalian lexicon still can’t fucking spell or use the appropriate word in context. If the staffers at The Truant gave up their gin per diem and employed a semi-retarded 5th grader to glance over their scribbles before hastily posting the latest hard hitting diatribe on Local Man then maybe we could finish an article without chagrining.
A job offer has been extended to TA. We’re always looking for more semi-retarded fifth graders.