Small town officer follows his nose to arrest woman on ‘urinating in public’ charge
LOGAN–Last night a brave officer reminded the small town that he polices why the men and women behind the badge are true heroes, as he made good on his promise to serve and protect his community.
Officer Jake Heft of the Logan City Police Department was making a nightly tour of his local Main Street looking for “trouble makers and infidels” when out of the corner of his eye, his “justice eye” as he calls it, he spied what looked like a young woman adjusting her pants in the dark corner of a lot. After staring for a while he flipped on the sirens, giving off two short bursts like he had seen on TV to give that cool “woop, woop” sound before letting the siren ring and the lights flash until everyone within ear or eye-shot could turn their attention towards him. What officer Heft did after that was so goddamn heroic that the firefighters of 9/11 have officially 
become a thing of the past.
“I got out of my squad car, and I was alone mind you, alone but not afraid,” said Heft. “I asked the young lady what she had been doing over in that dark corner, clearly knowing that she had either been adjusting her belt while walking or maybe, just maybe, and this is where my 6 months of experience came in to play, maybe she was urinating.”
After staring down this blushing young woman, who was understandably embarrassed and a little uneasy about speaking about having to pee anywhere outside of a restroom, Officer Heft decided to do what few would, unless of course they were either absolutely perverted or really dedicated to “serving and protecting” a clearly endangered public: he walked over to the scene of the possible crime and took in a deep breath through is nose and mouth. It smelled and tasted like girl-pee. He wafted it in a second time and smiled.
Confused and even more so embarrass by what she had just witnessed, said woman (who wished to remain anonymous, being that she thinks the incident was an “absolutely fucked up display of injustice and that the cop’s actions were better suited for those in a German shit porn than a on-duty police officer”) said that the situation that she was in required that she either handled her business in a what she thought was a discreet manner, or watch it run down her leg, being that she was still 20 minutes away from home.
At this time Officer Heft dug deep into his valiant soul, searching the corners of it where he keeps the massive amounts of common sense and decency that it takes to be a police officer. He then used his best judgment to take the young girl to jail. Really.
“It’s not easy doing my job as well as I do it,” said Officer Heft. “I don’t do it for the recognition, or the glory, or the free sodas that the gas stations give us when we’re in our uniforms. No, I do it [sniff a young girl’s urine] for the justice, I do it [sniff a young girl’s urine] for the law-abiding citizens of this nation, I do it [sniff a young girl’s urine then throw her in jail so it looks like she is the fucked up one] so when I climb in to bed at night, next to my wife, and sometimes my little girl, that I can do it with a smile on my moustached face.”
As of press time there was no comment from the Logan Police Department on whether or not there is a set yearly quota for tickets regarding a woman and her piss, but here at The Truant, we can almost guarantee it.
reminds me why i moved 5,000 miles away from Logan.
I remember when 3 friends went to piss on a friend’s car at the owl. Luckily they only took the Irish one to jail while the other two just got tickets. I still think they were kosher as long as they called Dickhouse and his drunkass said it was ok.
What a world we live in.