American culture now makes it impossible for Americans to be patriotic
The tired concept of patriotism was abandoned Wednesday by its last bedraggled proponents, a concession to the grinding reality of life in today’s America. Patriotism’s death was hailed by millions who acknowledged that America is no longer land of the free, home of the brave; but rather land of the banal, home of the lame.
Phyllis Schafly, famous right-wing ideologue, called it “a relief” to no longer have to pretend patriotism has a role in the Eagle Forum agenda.
“I can now say I have not felt a single shred of sentimental patriotism since the mid-nineties, when Jerry McGuire became one of the most popular movies ever,” Schafly said. “Jerry fucking McGuire.”
Another bright mind, Paul Mero of the Sutherland Institute, said his ultra-right wing think tank will get by without flag-waving just fine.
“Us republicans will still be bound together by our paranoia that liberals will prevent us from publicly displaying the 10 Commandments ever again,” Mero said. “It’s like, they’re the party of trying to prevent catastrophic environmental disasters, giving people health insurance and giving equal rights to gays. We’re the party of making sure the 10 Commandments are highly fucking visible at all times.
“But back to the point, it’s the feeling of the Sutherland Institute that we can no longer reconcile our patriotism with the existence of Toby Keith.”
President Barack Obama spoke briefly about the demise of patriotism in the Rose Garden, before flying Air Force One to Cleveland to try and cheer LeBron James up and convince him to sign with the Knicks next year.
“Patriotism, as grounds for doing stuff in international relations and stuff, makes about as much sense as saying you’re doing said stuff because your country’s flag is prettier,” Obama said. “Maybe in the past it did [make sense], back when our lofty principles and ideals meant something, back before we knew what they had begot: Paris Hilton’s BFF.”
Even Rush Limbaugh and other similar right-wing talking heads, some of patriotism’s strongest proponents in the past, laid off Obama for about one segment to discuss the black gaping void where pride for their country used to be.
“I stopped feeling patriotic right around when I was forcing my illegal immigrant housekeeper to score smack for me, the second time,” Limbaugh said. “I couldn’t stop doing smack, laying around on the couch, doing smack, asking myself what James Madison would think of our odious popular culture, doing smack, eating junk food until I got heartburn, doing smack, driving down to Walgreen’s for some antacids, doing smack in the bathroom at Walgreen’s, calling my housekeeper Consuela for more smack, passing out in the bathroom at Walgreen’s, getting kicked out when Walgreen’s closed, doing smack in the whip in Walgreen’s parking lot, and asking myself what exactly us Americans are so proud of, given that we apparently would prefer to use our matchless liberty to go see films like The Hangover.”
Limbaugh proceeded to inject himself with heroin in the webbing between his toes before saying, “I got homies that just got out of the joint who were offended by The Hangover. It’s been taking a lot of smack to act patriotic for the radio program.”
Another popular conservative personality, Glenn Beck, said, “As a Mormon, I cannot legally be an American citizen, which meant faking patriotism was a little awkward. I feel great now, like I just got out of jail like Limbaugh, except mine’s more of a figurative jail, not an actual jail I got sent to for being a junkie.”
Introducing our sixth source for this piece, some 3,300-odd words in, which you have to admit shows doggedness, The Truant interviewed noted patriotism expert, Doctor Raul Partizani, next. (Or should that be “next interviewed.” Fuck.)
“Whatever reasons we may have had to be patriotic in the past – if we could conveniently forget about the moral equivalent of the holocaust, which was perpetrated on the Native American people of this land by European invaders, who also incidentally enslaved another entire race while murdering the rightful owners of North America en masse – they’re moot now, because seriously not one single American can identify them,” Partizani said, in a sentence that begs for an editor but we’re too high. “Not even me. I know Spencer married Heidi and Kate left Jon but I don’t know that.”
Not getting the news that it is now impossible for anyone to be patriotic anymore were Sarah Palin, USU College Republicans chairman Frederik “Swede” Appel, and Del Lundahl, a North Logan resident who routinely writes letters to the Herald Journal demanding the dissolution of the IRS in favor of a system where citizens would come out on Sunday afternoons, strip to their shirtsleeves, and fill their own potholes.
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[...] and Right-wingers GOP has self-esteem issues, poll suggests McConnell Warns Dem “Rush American culture now makes it impossible for Americans to be patriotic – thetruant.com 06/11/2009 The tired concept of patriotism was abandoned Wednesday by its last [...]