U of U graduate happy he didn’t end up with ‘college slut’
“It was close,” remarked a recent University of Utah Graduate and job seeker of ending up with college slut, Chelsea Masterson, something he had hoped for in years previous. Masterson, a widely known bar flooze, was according to most reports, ‘not a hard button to push.’
A relieved Daniels is ready to make a clean start, fully equipped with his bachelor’s degree in Economics nailed to the office wall. “Now, I can do whatever I want,” said Daniels ,who at this point is still oblivious to the fact that he is $20,000 in debt and graduated into the worst economy since Roosevelt was in office. Daniels, like most recent college graduates, will probably get a job photocopying Loan documents for 13 bucks and settling for a handski whenever he can get it.
Daniels had dated Masterson off and on or about four years, which he described as, “Four years of trying to hide infidelities from each other.” It all came to an end when Daniels graduated last month and packed his shit into a Hatchback and moved his grown ass to San Deigo to find a ‘real job.’
When asked what changed his mind on Masterson, Daniels explained, “Shit man, I found my old buddy who married the Logan High ‘high school slut’ on facebook, and he’s since been divorced and has two ugly sex trophies[kids] to prove it. I just thought to myself, ’holy fuck.’ History nearly repeated itself.”
While Masterson banged pretty much anyone who would pay her the attention, she always reserved her loving affection for repeat offenders and people who slept with her friends behind her back or right in front of her. Those close to Masterson said she was just holding out so she could date ‘just some real, awful, garbage of a dude.’
“Yea, Adam was nice and I really enjoyed drinking his booze,” said Masterson, “but I don’t wan’t some boring guy who hates fun, plus I really don’t see any recidivism in him. I need a man who doesn’t learn from mistakes or at least beats me.” According to her female friends, Masterson was always excited about the prospects of “defending her future husband’s pill addiction, while telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass without taking the cigarette from her mouth.’”
Masterson, who posits that finding a guy who treats you right, and him not being a complete fuck-up are mutually exclusive, said that she’s ready for the next semester and hopes to meet someone who does not own a razor, or will at least document the date-rape of her with cell phone pictures. “It’s not a lot to ask,” said Masterson. “I just want to know exactly why I hurt the way I do the next morning.”
“I’m just really, really relieved,” said Daniels who admitted that while he cared about this particularly loose peice of trim deeply, he was glad that he had ‘dodged that bullet sans STD,’ and will finally rid himself of the awful label of a ‘Captain Save-a-Ho’. He wishes that slut nothing but the best in all her future endeavors.
If you are going to be posting bar floozes on here, you better put some form of contact information up about them too, you know, just in case. It isn’t exactly easy to find someone who curse someone out in a complete sentence without taking the fag out of her mouth.