Truant humor gets undergrad nowhere with date
HAMILTON’S – Business Administration junior Brandon Wagner remembers he and his date had just started their salads when he decided to repeat something he had seen on The Truant, in an effort to make Brooke Olson, 21, think he was a funny and cute.
“I had the tossed green salad with ranch, she had the wedge salad, also with ranch dressing,” Wagner said. “She had just told me that she is majoring in Deaf Education, so I go, ‘hey, did you know that deaf people can’t have a pizza party?’”
Instead of laughing, Wagner said Olson just fixed him with a cold stare and asked, “And why is that?”
“I explained how if you’re doing sign language, you can’t hold a piece of pizza, and she just eyed me and she’s all, ‘well, they can do sign language one-handed and it’s just like slang,’” Wagner said.
Although trying to win the debate was clearly not in the best interest of having a good date with the very attractive Olson, Wagner forged ahead, replying, “But then they wouldn’t be able to hold a soda.”
Olson did not like that, either. She replied, “They could have a drink of soda, then a bite of pizza, then set their food down on the table and talk normally.”
Although he positively knew that he absolutely had to shut the fuck up in the interest of making the rest of the date bearable, Wagner, for some reason, said, “You don’t really mean ‘talk,’ do you?”
“Yes, yes I do mean ‘talk,’” Olson spat back at him, Wagner said. “Then she goes, ‘I just don’t think this is going to work. You’re a real fucking creep, I’m out of here,’ and stormed off. I think she called one of her cousins for a ride home from Hamilton’s. I tried to stop the entrees from coming out but the waiter said they were already prepared and made me pay for everything. Man, fuck.”
This was not the first time Wagner has gotten himself in trouble repeating other people’s material out of context. Last year, Wagner spent the Thanksgiving break at Agnes Fields’ parent’s house, a four-day stay which turned into excruciating psychological torture after Wagner, having just met Agnes’ father Donald and learned that he is a plumber, said, “Hey, only one concept to master, shit rolls downhill, right?”
In conclusion, Wagner said he would “rather be water-boarded in Ryan Larsen’s semen” than read any more of Lordy Tremain’s work on The Truant.
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Is that true about plumbing? I mean, if it is, I should consider a career change, because that is a pretty simple concept to master.