Facebook group fails to accomplish anything
THE INTERNETS – Famous Facebook group “Petition to save higher education in Utah” has not accomplished anything of note, despite garnering mounds of press clippings and heaps of accolades as “a shining example of what the power of democracy is capable of in the era of social networking and ubiquitous connectivity,” or something, read any newspaper.
The group was created on Monday by 22-year old interwebs savant Melanie Ohmigosh, who said, “Oh my heck, I literally like created? This group? And like within two days I could literally see the friend requests, like, just flooring in.”
Ohmigosh’s important group has 2,939 members and counting which, somewhat jealously, is 2,921 more than “I read the real news at www.thetruant.com,” but realistically, is 311,435,018,677 fewer than “I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head.” The members are treated to a trowel’s-worth of Ohmigosh’s heady rhetoric in their inboxes, twice a day sometimes!
Despite Ohmigosh’s exhortations (”You guys can, like, use your power to vote!”) to her facebook group members, numerous top policy gunners and decision-makers at the Capitol in Salt Lake City said they were “unfamiliar with,” “unaware of,” or “unabashedly against” Ohmigosh’s facebook group.
“So let me get this straight, this little filly has been calling people on the phone? Or how is this working?” asked Rep. Lloyd Weathers, R-Grantsville.
“Facebook. Like genealogy, right?” was Rep. Ned Flintstone, R-Syracuse’s attempt at understanding the concept of a facebook group.
Rep. Taylor Swain, R-Lehi, has three teenaged daughters, two of whom are sexually active, and thus astutely was able to recognize “a facebook” as “being involved with text messaging, and things of that nature.”
Impressed with Swain’s technical savvy, we familiarized him with the content of Ohmigosh’s group; a bunch of rabble-rousing shit. His reaction was swift, and his warning to Ohmigosh was stern:
“Well, this is just a bunch of rabble-rousing shit. The trouble is, Tiffany, or Brianna, or whatever, we have to think about the welfare of the entire state when we are in our deliberations. Do you want to see bread lines? Is that what you want? No? Then please, just let us do our jobs and fuck the fuck off with this myspace friend poll nonsense. I’m sure you have to study, for underwater badminton or cultural relativism or something. Oh, and sweetie? Study hard, because it probably won’t be offered next year, after I finish cutting your university’s budget to the bone.”
Swain then proceeded to fire up a monstrous Cuban cigar, guffawing coursely to himself as he puffed out great clouds of smoke. “Why don’t you go twitter about it, cunt,” he said, his shoulders shaking with laughter.
It’s hard to be humble with ancestors like mine!
Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!