Botched suicide leaves man hanging
Last night a local Utah man did not want to be alive, but due to a small slip-up of his own, he still is. In one of the most hilarious suicide attempts in recent memory, Reed Allen of Logan, Utah, tried to hang himself from the reinforced wooden beam in his kitchen, but failed to tie the correct slipknot which would have choked the life out of him, and instead ended up simply swing back and forth above his dinner table for over an hour with nothing more than a rope-burn and a sore neck.
Allen, an insurance salesman of 20 years, had decided
that life didn’t turn out how he wanted it to, and refused to ‘join the club,’ when he decided that the only cost efficient way to get away from his marriage and two children was to die.
“I was in a slump,” said Allen. “I didn’t want to live, but now I see that there is a reason to carry on. But first, I just want to get down,” continued Allen, still hanging from the rope in his kitchen. “I was my only friend on facebook, my wife would never let me be on top, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never make it in to the bishopric in my home ward. It was awful, but please, could you put your tape recorder on the table and help me?”
Allen was discovered by his oldest son after he came home from middle school and happened to glance up as he was reaching for his box of Cinnamon Life cereal on the lazy susan.
“All I wanted was some Life,” said Jake, the older of the two children, “and here he [motioning up to his father] goes hitting my fucking cereal with his dangling feet and asking for help. Consider my situation,” continued the 13-year-old, “It’s clear my dad wants to die, so who the fuck am I to fuck with that. I let him swing there until I finished my two bowls, and that’s when I called mom to see what I should do next.”
Allen’s wife, Jenna, was quick to respond and got her fine-ass home with in the hour. Upon seeing her husband of 15 years hanging from the rafters and her son quietly eating cereal beneath his father’s swaying loafers, she stammered incoherencies amongst the laugher from The Truant staff that had been on location for most of the afternoon.
“What the fuck is going on in here? And who are you people with microphones [motioning to our staff of reporters who had begun to help them selves to the Cinnamon Life]? Help me get him down!”
After politely declining to help, we finished our milky cereal and in parting, asked the son if he foresaw this failed suicide coming.
“Yeah, he asked me to be his friend on facebook,” said Jake between spoonfuls of delicious Life, “and I was like ‘hail naw’ but when I looked at his pathetic-ass profile I noticed he became of fan of ‘I want to die’ and that sent up a few red flags. But he’s dumber than his wife, so I knew that even if he tried, he would ultimately fail. You guys are cool, man. Here take some of this cereal with you.”
As of press time Reed Allen is still alive and has been seen/filmed by his son dicking his wife while on top. Though we’d like to have another round of laughs and Life cereal at the Allen family’s expense, something tells us that things are going to be a-okay for the bunch, and next time he’ll probably use a gun.