Utah State Standout Sets New Record
While at work last Tuesday, Best Buy Electronics Supervisor and deaf guy Duve Olsen, 19,set a new record for “weirdest shit to jack off to.” While visiting the popular internet site Youtube.com Olsen found an especially intriguing video where the thumbnail indicated a girl was going to be doing something known as ‘the booty bounce’.
Clearly Olsen, clearly hadn’t read The Truant’s latest effort to protect people from bad porn and is obviously butthurt by Tremain continuing to send pizzas to Sign Language Socials. (We think that deaf sonuva bitch is boycotting our fine, but oft-controversial, interweb magazine and would have been saved this embarrassment if he would only grow a set.)
It was learned early Wednesday that Olsen clicked on the video and was surprised moments later he was ambushed with a goblin of some kind telling him he would be punished for his indulgence with an episode of the classic children’s television show, Care Bears. Although Olsen certainly had the opportunity to change the video, he defended himself saying (not really), “My hand was already down my pants and ‘Gangsta’ was chubbed…What would you have done, really?”
Scrappy Larsen, The Truant’s newest intern and previous holder of the Guinness record replied in his blog “Furry Quadrapeds for the Soul.”
“This comes as a surprise to us all. I thought that my interest in rodentia beastiality would have held this record for at least a year. As it turns out, watching squirrels eat nuts in the park just doesn’t do it anymore and I have to cede my title to the true master. I honestly can’t think of anything more fucked up to be watching for a good salami slammin. Duve Olsen, I bow down before you, you are truly one sick individual.”
Although Olsen has declined further comment (ha!), the intrepid team at
The Truant leapt into action, and by leapt into action,we mean that we spelled out ‘TRUANT’ in lines of blow on our coffee table. Eight hours later we delved further into this one of a kind incident and the man behind it.
Tyler Ballard, the sales associate whose locker is directly next to Olsen’s told The Truant that his boss is probably the “horniest motherfucker alive.” Last Fall, when beginning his job with Best Buy, Ballard said Olsen was standing behind him listening in on a call when Ballard noticed his locker was moving.
Ballard continued, “the sick piece of shit was dry humping my locker. I went above his head to complain and all I got was this slightly less crappy locker RIGHT NEXT TO HIS. I think they did it on purpose, I swear if I have to stay here one more week I’m going to… I have to go to the bathroom. This interview’s over.”
Anna Fresca, another Best Buy peon went on record as being told (not really) she would receive a raise during the electronic firm’s last christmas party if she showed Olsen her tits. “I was drunk, ok? he made sure of that. he started trying to get a blowjob, even though I wasn’t drunk enough for that.”
Scrappy Larsen posited a different opinion on the matter, “Maybe he was signing himself some real dirty shit, and that helped him shoot it,” and reminded the staff here at The Truant yet again, why we pay him to consult on all matters relating to self gratification.
Best Buy Sources told The Truant that Fresca’s one dollar raise that she was promised has not been put into effect as of press time, but the we as a staff made sure to make a generous donation to her college fund after a quick tour of the supply closet.
in related news, this shit ain’t right.
/Additional Reporting by Blake Mansion