The top 10 computer games of all time, according to a virgin
General Claire Chennault, Head Editor in Charge, approached me with a heavy burden and, albeit an opportunity, a challenge; that I contribute to the prestigious and widely acclaimed The Truant. At first I doubted myself and my skills, knowing fully that I could never live up to the good name that has been established over these last few centuries of dedicated journalism. Fortunately, I’ve been drinking heavily tonight and the booze has removed my inhibitions and in turn has convinced me that perhaps I could share a minuscule nugget of my own genius. That, and he promised to pay for my penis enlargement procedure next month. Ladies?
My niche lies in the beloved ‘list.’ I can rank anything from the Best Movies of the 70’s, to Most Impressive Female Bodies on Campus. It’s a knack that has been bred in my family for ages; it simply cannot be rooted out. So, for my first list in The Truant I’ve decided to rank the top 10 raddest computer games of all time. As a disclaimer, know that I haven’t played every game out there, so the list is tailored to my specific tastes. With that said, however, if you disagree you are in fact retarded.
Top Ten Computer Games:
10. Oregon Trail
This game introduced me to the wonderful world of computer gaming; and I’ve never looked back! I remember being the first and only kid in my elementary school class that ‘conquered’ this game in the allotted time. I was a proud, proud kid! There is nothing better than standing in a green and black screen shooting squirrels for 3 lbs of food for the fam. When the kids die of gonorrhea, something inside me dies as well…
9. Castle Wolfenstein
What an innovation!!! True, Doom was also a hit, but who wouldn’t rather be killing Nazis than demon-folk? Though they were spot-on for singling out Jewses for genocide (those greedy, treasure-hording, curly-headed, Christ-killers) the Nazis were too uptight for their own good! Next time you bump into a German male, ask him if he pees sitting down or standing up. Fucking freaks.
8. Red Baron II
This game was the best flight simulation of all time, and since I’m trying to include multiple genres, this is what you get. Just don’t get into an overly steep dive or your plane will snap like your penis in half of the Kama Sutra positions. I began playing this game during that phase of youth when my ProActiv wouldn’t cure my pimples and I masturbated incessantly. You guys (and girls?) know what I’m talking about.
7. Police Quest
Ok, ok…I’m adding a series and not a single game. Forgive me for my hubris. But it’s amazingly difficult to single out a solitary game when they’re all so super duper awesome!!! They evolved from poor graphics with type-interface to realistic SWAT action with point and click. Furthermore, it’s possible to let women fellate you in exchange for leniency in meting out traffic tickets. Prematurely ejaculating while staring at pixilated cleavage wreaked havoc on my keyboard’s performance one tragic eve; why was my dick out, you ask?
6. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
What can’t I say about this game? It’s the largest world I’ve ever seen! You can literally do anything you want; be anyone you want; play how you want. Haven’t you always wanted a different life? It would remind me of my own life, if only I had a sword that wasn’t purchased at the mall’s Asian novelty shop. And you can meet girls who actually talk to you, something that has yet to happen to me… Strike that, it’s a lie! I converse regularly with girls on my LDS Singles Dating chat room.
5. Medal of Honor
How cool was this game, you ask? You parachute in to occupied France during WWII and have to fight your way out. That’s bad-ass in my book. Furthermore, if you so desire, you can do some hand to hand combat against scared French women in Marseille whom you’re supposed to save. Chris Brown is an icon to me.
4. Sam and Max Hit the Road
It’s funny and smart. A dog and bunny team up as Private Dicks. ‘Nuff said.
3. Warcraft III
Or as we lovingly call it, the ‘Craft. Hours of multiplayer action via a LAN connection have proven to me, and all those at The Truant, that though Lordy Tremain is a flashier, and arguably better player, when it comes down to it, I will win in the rare occasions in which we play against each other instead of cooperating to defeat the evil computer hordes. I dare you to call my bluff. Of course, the entire Truant staff was annihilated against that slant-eyed zipperhead Li Xiaofeng. Asians are bigger nerds than me, which is frightening.
2. Secret of Monkey Island
I am Guybrush Threepwood! The journey of a young and handsome, though bumbling, protagonist is played out in this adventure game by Lucasarts. If you want to know how to be a pirate, follow his example. I conquered this dynamic game whilst drinking Zima, having smuggled it into my gaming den in my mother’s basement. It’s gotta be one of the top 5 nights of my life; number one was…well…let’s not spoil another list, eh?
1. Quest for Glory
Once again, I introduce a series. Fuck all of you for judging me! If you don’t know these games, you should figure out the best way to kill yourself. I hear drinking Cyanide is both effective and gives you that boost of confidence by mentally assimilating yourself with a captured spy.
If you have another game to add to the list, I don’t care. It’s not your list. Though honorary games can warmly be added to the ‘comments’ section. Hell, we could all use a few more suggestions on how to spend our boring, reality stricken lives. So keep up the gaming folks! Just remember one thing, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.” You’re a hero, Brody!
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Hey Trevor, this is a really great top ten list. Monkey Island is a classic, that game was so much fun the first time I played it. If you like Warcraft 3, then I would definitely recommend Starcraft and Starcraft 2 which is about to come out. You can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. We are looking for top ten lists and our users can track back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.