Oscar Grant and Sean Bell slap huge high-five in heaven as six innocent cops are gunned down
HEAVEN—Oscar Grant and Sean Bell never knew each other while they both lived in the United States. Grant, a 22 year-old gainfully employed father, hailed from Oakland, California, and Bell, a 23 year-old father and electrician by trade, who was engaged to be married, resided in New York. But these strangers in America have become the best of bedfellows in heaven, and the two were seen slapping the “hugest high-five ever” on streets paved with gold as news of the recent deaths of six innocent police officers hit the heavenly presses.
“I’m not heartless, well maybe a little,” joked Oscar Grant in regards to his high five and the fact that he is physically missing a part of his heart because he was shot in the back by a police officer while unarmed and laying on his stomach as another officer held Grant’s face down with a knee to the neck. “I suppose you should never celebrate when someone dies before there time,” Grant continued, “but with Sean and I, we were just having a little fun. Oh yeah, and fuck the police, I want my life back.”
“That was one hell of a high-five,” Bell added with a smile, “my hand still stings a little bit. Not as bad as four bullets to the neck and torso, but Oscar hit me square my shootin’ hand. The hand I didn’t use to hold the gun that I didn’t have on me or in the car, or anywhere else for that matter, ’cause I was leaving my bachelor party and headed to be married a few hours later. And yeah, what he said, ‘fuck the police,’ especially the three that shot at me and my two unarmed friends 50 times.” [Ed. Note: All three police were acquitted of all charges brought up against them and no weapons of any kind were found on Bell or his companions.]
Like that of the young fathers’, the shootings of the officers took place in two separate cities. The first shooting, ironically took place in Oakland at the end of March, and the second shooting on April 4th in Pittsburgh, left six officers dead total, and have been labeled as tragedies by political heads of state and press across the nation.
As of press time there has been no comment from the dead police officers. No comment, nor an account of whether or not they all slapped a big hexagon-high five in heaven because, “at least they didn’t go first,” or “at least they died for the ‘cause’,” or “at least they were just some blameless men with wives, children, and jobs.”
The Holy Ghost, who no longer works in heaven, but has been seen slumming through the back alleys, which are now paved only with copper, was quoted saying that a huge high-five for the cops might not be as justified, “because the officers were gunned down while armed and doing what they were paid to do and wanted to do, instead of getting killed unarmed while being held down on the cement, or just chillin’ in a car and trying to get to a chapel on time to seal the deal on some steady puss.”
When questioned for a definitive opinion, God was a little more bipartisan in regards to the slaying of the innocent, saying that he had caused and dealt with things of this nature for over five whole years, where two different groups of people kill each other because each assumes that the other is inherently dangerous or simply looks suspicious. “I think that with the right amount of finesse,” said God, “I might be able to get all eight of the corpses to sit down together and split a few appetizers and a pitcher of holy water, while discussing how shitty it is to get shot to death. If it helps, I might even let them have a say in who I let get shot to death next.”
If his plan works, and God gets his way, it seems that all will be well in heaven. Here on earth, the staff of The Truant is still waiting to get the “Okay” to kill whoever we want, as long as they look a little suspicious or completely helpless.